Tuesday nights, my girl and I go to a fitness class at the gym. I am always the only guy there, but I don’t care, those classes will kick your ass and I need the exercise. Actually, single guys would be smart to hit up aerobics classes at the gym, the ladies could be all yours. Anyway, the woman who was teaching our class has the most atrocious taste in music.

First let me paint you a picture: This woman is any where between 30 and 50, I say this because years at the tanning salon have given her skin a leathery appearance, that makes it impossible to detemine her age. This woman has obviously done time on a cheer leading squad, the pageant circuit and definitely could be some sort of stage mom, or at the very least she could be the Sparklemotion Mom. She is the kind of person who springs out of bed every day at 5am and runs 20 miles. She has a tramp stamp, bleached hair, a navel ring and 0% body fat. She usually wears a sports bra and some sort of mini skort. She is the perfect walking cliché for an aerobics instructor.

As for her taste in music, it is somewhere between American Psycho’s Patrick Bateman and a thirteen year old boy. This is to say that our workout mix included both “Radar Love” and that Evanescence song that was all over the radio not long ago. It’s not bad enough that we had to do 30 jumping jacks, followed by 30 push ups, rinse and repeat. We had to do it to the beat of “Hip To Be Square”. I felt like we should have been wearing leg warmers.

Speaking of comically bad music, I was listening to Ride on my iTunes the other day, which totally confused iTunes. Trying to be helpful, it suggested I might instead be listening to a band called Razor Ride and gave me the track listing for their hit album Nuclear Monstrosity. Choice cuts from Nuclear Monstrosity include “Infernal Devil Sex,” “Abortion Witch” and “Inject the Insect.” I wonder if Abortion Witch is a pro or anti-choice tune. It could go either way.

Death metal songs and metal bands always have amusing names. I sort of wish I liked death metal so I could join a band and make up song names. Other death metal song titles that are amazing:
1. Unleashing Devilment by Warmaster
2. I Cum Donut Filling by Spermswarm
3. Pipewrench Papsmear by Viral Load
4. Goddess Of Sodomy by Dark Funeral
5. Bukkake-Style Embalming by Amoebic Dysentery

Actually, what would be better is if I started a twee band with song names like this. I Cum Donut Filling could be twee, couldn’t it?