Well, it’s that time of year again. The time of year when we take stock of all of our failings over the last 12 months and lie to ourselves, saying “This is the year I finally get my act together and behave like an adult with dignity and self-respect!” The irony of this is that culturally, we tend to send out the old year in a haze of over-indulgence, between Christmas feasts, self-medicating at family gatherings, and consuming gallons of alcohol the last night of the year. It’s almost as if we’re subconsciously trying to kill ourselves so we don’t have to face the harsh, cold reality of treadmills, low-carb diets, and booze-less days and nights that January brings.
To that end, I thought it might be timely to pass along my list of little F-you’s to tradition and list the ten resolutions I will actually stand some chance of achieving in 2011. After all, the world’s going to end in 2012 (thanks, Mayans!)—this is our last full year to disappoint our family and friends with immaturity! Embrace that shit!
10. I resolve not to give up booze for any extended length of time (re: 3+ days)
9. I resolve to not see fewer than 10 home Orioles games (sorry, honey.)
8. I resolve to not give up dessert for any length of time. I don’t care if I’m forced to spoon-feed myself sugar straight from the bag—a man must have principles.
7. I resolve to weasel my way out of going to the gym at least once a week.
6. I resolve to not always feel the urge to defend my love of Gossip Girl.
5. I resolve to not worry so much about “maintaining” when I’m out with friends. Beer happens. And then vomit happens.
4. I resolve to dust off my guitars and annoy my cats with them at least once every three months.
3. I resolve to visit friends in far-off states. Mostly because they’re scared of Baltimore.
2. I resolve to not leave comic books lying around for foster kittens to pee on. Pretty sure that hurts the re-sale value.
1. I resolve to add at least 52 new designs to the Ex-Boyfriend line.
Alright, your turn. What are you guys gonna resolve to do in the coming year? Let me know in the comments below!
Well, this is a sad tale. Apparently David E. Kelly is developing a new Wonder Woman series. You may remember him from such awful television shows as Ally McBeal, Chicago Hope, Boston Legal, and The Practice. Coming hot on the heels (geologically-speaking) of Joss Whedon’s failed attempt to bring Princess Diana of Themyscira to the big screen, this is pretty disheartening. All I can envision is Kelly turning her into a lawyer and boring me to death with legal procedure interspersed with pining over Steve Trevor and the ticking of her biological clock. TNT knows blecch!, TBS very unfunny, USA: Characters unwelcome.
This brings me to today’s list: My top ten comic book properties that I would like to see brought to the big or small screen.
1. Green Arrow-This could work pretty easily, as he doesn’t have any super powers, and Kevin Smith did a really great job of creating a family unit around the character during his early 2000s run on the title. Great for TV. Also, my wife likes to stare at Justin Hartley with his shirt off.
2. 100 Bullets-Mysterious dude hands wronged people a briefcase containing a gun and 100 untraceable bullets with which to exact justice. Individual episodes can stand alone, while the overarching plot arc develops around them.
3. Preacher-HBO bought the development rights to this almost a decade ago and didn’t do anything with it. Preacher Jesse Custer becomes the receptacle for the essence of creation (“Genesis”), finds out that God skipped out on Heaven, and decides to go look for him and kick his ass. Season Five of Supernatural seems to be loosely based on this premise.
4. Ex-Machina-Guy gains ability to communicate with simple and complex machines thanks to being caught in an explosion with what seems to be an alien device. He saves one of the WTC towers on 9/11, runs for mayor of NYC, and wins. That’s when things get really tough…
5. Y, The Last Man-Shia LaBoeuf was at one point attached to this, but it’s in development limbo right now. Basically, a plague wipes out every creature carrying a Y-chromosome, except for NYC street magician Yorick Brown and his pet rhesus monkey Ampersand. He then embarks on a quest to find his girlfriend Beth in the Australian outback.
6. Daredevil-The Ben Affleck movie was awful, but the character deserves another shot. A blind lawyer with heightened senses goes after criminals that slip through the system? Ninjas? Constant stream of new hot girlfriends? Perfect for television.
7. The Flash-Movie is in development, but taking forever. If anyone should handle this character, it should be writer Geoff Johns.
8. John Constantine, Hellblazer-Witty, irreverent cad battles evil with black magic? Don’t let the memory of Keanu ruin this for you: this would make a great show.
9. Lucifer-This, like #10, is a pipe-dream. Too dense for a one-off movie, and too special-effect heavy for a TV budget. But come on: The Devil quits his job as Lord of Hell, and moves to Los Angeles to open a swanky night club? Who doesn’t want to see that?!
10. The Sandman-Total pipe-dream, even more so than Lucifer. Too long and dense for the big screen, too high-brow and special-effect heavy for TV.
How about you guys? Any books you’d like to see turned into a TV show or movie? Who would you cast for the lead character? Let me know in the comments section below!
This has been kicking around for a while (20-25 years, given the source), but I don’t think I’ve mentioned it here before. But this whole scene is so ridiculous that it is the first thing I think of when someone mentions Fred Rogers to me; not the Land of Make-Believe, not marionette puppets, not cardigans and not tennis shoes. All this is missing is Mr. McFeely strolling up to do some popping and locking.
There’s a lot of disappointment inherent in living in the modern age, or as I like to call it, “the era when all the lies our parents told us about the future come home to roost”.
I like to think of myself as a futurist. Well, not a futurist per se, but a fan of futurism. I like to think that eventually we will get all those wonderful toys Q dreamed up for James Bond, the gadgets at the beck and call of The Avengers, the Justice League, Starfleet, and the Rebel Alliance. Futurists are the people that actualize all that sci-fi goodness.
I had dinner last night with my cousin and a friend of his who, when asked about his job, replied “Well, I predict the future.”
What the what?! Who talks like that? Better yet, why can’t I talk like that?
But it got me thinking about the never-ending wish list my wife and I have containing all the fantastical future-tech that Science has as of yet not provided. And how maybe it’s time that Science stop wasting my time and money detailing the differences between shaken and stirred martinis and confirming that yes, we as a society treat attractive people better than unattractive ones. We have real crises at hand here, Science! Namely, AIDS, cancer, and where’s my f-ing hoverboard?!
10. An effective cure for baldness that also cures excessive and unsightly body hair.
9. A pill that gives you six-pack abs that you can wash down with a six-pack of beer while sitting on the couch.
8. A cure for getting old.
7. Hoverboards
6. Flying cars
5. Jetpacks (or some sort of hydrogen fuel cell/mag-lev alternative)
4. Laser guns
3. Androids/robots that are more or less indistinguishable from people.
2. Time travel
1. Teleportation
You’re on notice, Science. Get to work!
What about it, you guys? What’s missing from our list?
(Thanks to Jarrett C. for his invaluable help in compiling such an epically awesome list!)
It was impossible to decide on how this clip should be classified—Thirsty Thursday, or Fuzzy Friday? You know, a philosophical conundrum for the ages. The kind of unanswerable question that would have prompted Socrates to fill up Uncle Scrooge’s money bin with hemlock and swim around in it.
As excited as I am for my upcoming European vacation (May cannot arrive soon enough), stuff like this just serves to make me pine for a Tokyo visit in the near future.
Because I refer to colors as “Prussian blue” or “pewter” and tend to wear a lot of argyle, I’ve become pretty adept at defending my masculinity throughout my life. But I never imagined I’d have to do so against my own wife.
A few months ago she scoffed at me when I ordered myself a White Russian. Apparently White Russians fall squarely into the “Girly” category of adult beverages. This came as news to me, considering that The Big Lebowski played an integral role in my transition from boyhood to manhood. Here’s a guy who roadied for Metallica, knocks up Julianne Moore, listens to CCR and makes liberal use of the F-word in his daily discourse. Sounds pretty freaking manly to me.
But NOOOOO, ordering a White Russian puts me one cocktail umbrella and/or sword away from being a girl drink drunk.
And thus, an oldie (but a goody.)
White Russian:
1 1/2 oz Vodka
3/4 oz Kahlua
3/4 oz Light Cream or Milk
Add ice to an old-fashioned glass.
Mix the vodka and Kahlua together then float the cream on top.
What do you say readers? White Russian is a manly libation or is it strictly for the ladies? What exactly makes it girlie anyway?
While not exactly on the same brilliant level of Tampon in a Teacup from Ghost World, The Robert uses old books to create very cool art, both stand-alone and installation pieces. Definitely check out his online gallery or stop into one of his shows if he’s exhibiting in your ‘hood.
Hank Scorpio wants his familiar back!
And a quick congrats is in order to Sir Patrick Stewart, who was knighted in Queen Elizabeth II’s New Year Honors list. While most famous for his roles as Capt. Jean-Luc Picard of the USS Enterprise-D and Professor Charles Xavier, we all know that his greatest bow came in episode 12 of season 19 on Saturday Night Live.
Are you mad?! Do you know what you are flirting with?! I will feed your steaming organs to all the hounds of Hell! I will watch your eyes burn... til the cows come home!
So I reaallly didn’t want to devote any time or energy to a vapid shell of a human being like Jessica Simpson, but I’m sure those of you who are huge fans of trashy celebretard news like me have heard about Jess’s recent weight gain and all the nasty gossip that’s accompanied it on TMZ and the like.
More than anything else, this seems like nothing more than a very unfortunate wardrobe decision. But the whole reason I’m posting about this is regarding Jessica’s little sis Ashlee, or rather, her most recent myspace blog post.
“I am completely disgusted by the headlines concerning my sister’s weight. A week after the inauguration and with such a feeling of hope in the air for our country, I find it completely embarrassing and belittling to all women to read about a woman’s weight or figure as a headline on Fox News.
All women come in different shapes, sizes, and forms and just because you’re a celebrity, there shouldn’t be a different standard.”
Is it just me, or does this sentiment ring EXTREMELY HOLLOW considering how widely reported Ashlee’s many trips to the cosmetic surgeon have been since she first appeared on the pop music scene? I’m not disagreeing with her. I’m just sayin’.
All that being said, I should add how impressed I am by Ashlee’s devotion to correct grammar and spelling. You go, girl!
TV and I really had a thing going in recent history. We’d spend most nights together. I was down with the Rock of Love and Girls Next Door. I fully embraced trashy television. But I have to say, the novelty has worn off and I just can’t bring myself to enjoy another series about alcoholic losers with crabs. This doesn’t stop me from marveling at the concepts the networks continue to come up with.
Momma’s Boys, a gem from Ryan Seacrest and NBC that adds an Oedipal element to “reality” dating TV show concept. 32 ladies, 3 dudes and their moms. Let the hair pulling and name calling begin. If you think it can’t get any better, rest assured, it can.
Not to be outdone, VH1 is serving up Tool Academy. To paraphrase the VH1 blog: Nine unsuspecting, over confident bad boys who lie, cheat, and treat their girlfriends like door mats are being sent to relationship boot camp in the hopes of being crowned Mr. Awesome. While most of these reality shows could be classified as a Toolfest, it’s even more amazing that these people are actually going to be on a show called Tool Academy!
Reality shows I’m still waiting for:
1. America’s Best Accountant
We’ve had every other sort of professional competition from party planners to dog groomers. Yes, dog groomers! It can only lead to a calculator show down live in front of America.
2. The Bachelor, San Quentin
20 lucky ladies compete for the affections of one sexy felon. Sure he’s an axe murderer, but he writes a heck of a love letter. Conjugal visits anyone?
3. Terrorist Charm School
We’ve gotten to know the ladies from Flavor of Love and Rock of Love, now meet the dudes from Guantanamo Bay. Criminal masterminds determined to blow shit up are taught poise and manners.
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