First off, apparently Science got the memo AND the apology: they’ve stepped up and grown liver cells out of skin cells. This is a small but important stepping stone in the pursuit of consequence-free binge drinking. Thanks, Science!
Secondly, as I mentioned the other day, the good folks at Drinkwel have offered to pony up some free samples of their little miracle drug. To that end, I think it would be beneficial (strictly for the purposes of scientific research) to approach this whole thing like an experiment. So based on the number of pills they send, I’ll be dividing up my drinking into three phases comprised of an equal number of days. Phase I will focus on Drinkwel’s efficacy on beer, Phase II on wine, and Phase III on mixed drinks. I briefly contemplated a Phase IV involving all three, but I don’t hate my liver that much.
Here’s where I need your help: to keep the variables to a minimum, I’ll need to select one beer for Phase I; I can’t hop from Miller Light to Blue Moon to Resurrection Ale. I need a constant alcohol by volume percentage. What shall I drink? Same for mixed drinks; I’m leaning toward mojitos or dark & stormy’s, but am always open to suggestions (that don’t involve whiskey, bourbon or scotch—this is supposed to be fun, remember?) Leave your recommendations in the comments!
So, a few of you may remember my apoplectic diatribe from last Tuesday calling out Science for it’s consistent failure to bring about the wondrous future-stuffs we’d been promised from birth. It was pretty intense.
Well, now I’m wondering if maybe I was a little too quick on the trigger. Apparently, Science was tackling something useful to us (and by “us” I mean “me”): a cure for the common hangover.
drinkwel is the first multivitamin specifically formulated for people that drink alcohol. Our 30-ingredient, doctor-formulated multivitamin will help you replenish nutrients, support healthy liver function, and improve the way you’ll feel the next day.*
OK. Now, you may have noticed that little asterisk tacked on to the end there? Well, it refers to the following disclaimer:
This product does not prevent intoxication, alcohol poisoning, alcohol abuse, or utter stupidity. Please drink responsibly. Never drink and drive! Do not consume alcohol if you are not of the legal age to do so, while pregnant or nursing. The statements on the www.drinkwel.com website have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. drinkwel is not intended to diagnose, mitigate, treat, cure, or prevent any disease.
As with all supplements, consult a physician before taking drinkwel or if you believe you may have a dependency on alcohol. We support responsible drinking and DO NOT support underage drinking, excessive drinking, binge drinking or any unsafe drinking whatsoever.
Legal ass-coverage FTW!
Now, down to the nitty gritty: how much does a scientific miracle cost? $1.33 a day. When using as directed, imbibers are supposed to take THREE Drinkwel pills A DAY. Even on days when they’re not drinking! Add three MORE pills before bed after a night of drinking. Ostensibly, this will keep an elevated level of the nutrients and minerals alcohol leeches out of you in your system at all times, so that after a night of drinking, you’re merely reduced to normal levels of said nutrients and minerals. However, this also equates to an extra six Dixie cups a day of water above and beyond normal H2O intake. And aren’t water and time supposed to be the only weapons we have to combat hangovers? I think that’s what my high school health teacher used to say (thanks, Coach Franklin!)
So I’m smelling a little placebo in the air right now. What do you guys think?
Well, it’s Wednesday, so it’s time for me to share the weirdest thing I found on the internet this week, and boy does this qualify. Japanese artist Hiromi Ozaki has designed a menstruation simulation device, so dudes can understand what periods feel like. Um, thanks?
Ozaki also believes periods will become obsolete one day and future women will want to use this device to learn about periods.
There’s a lot of disappointment inherent in living in the modern age, or as I like to call it, “the era when all the lies our parents told us about the future come home to roost”.
I like to think of myself as a futurist. Well, not a futurist per se, but a fan of futurism. I like to think that eventually we will get all those wonderful toys Q dreamed up for James Bond, the gadgets at the beck and call of The Avengers, the Justice League, Starfleet, and the Rebel Alliance. Futurists are the people that actualize all that sci-fi goodness.
I had dinner last night with my cousin and a friend of his who, when asked about his job, replied “Well, I predict the future.”
What the what?! Who talks like that? Better yet, why can’t I talk like that?
But it got me thinking about the never-ending wish list my wife and I have containing all the fantastical future-tech that Science has as of yet not provided. And how maybe it’s time that Science stop wasting my time and money detailing the differences between shaken and stirred martinis and confirming that yes, we as a society treat attractive people better than unattractive ones. We have real crises at hand here, Science! Namely, AIDS, cancer, and where’s my f-ing hoverboard?!
10. An effective cure for baldness that also cures excessive and unsightly body hair.
9. A pill that gives you six-pack abs that you can wash down with a six-pack of beer while sitting on the couch.
8. A cure for getting old.
7. Hoverboards
6. Flying cars
5. Jetpacks (or some sort of hydrogen fuel cell/mag-lev alternative)
4. Laser guns
3. Androids/robots that are more or less indistinguishable from people.
2. Time travel
1. Teleportation
You’re on notice, Science. Get to work!
What about it, you guys? What’s missing from our list?
(Thanks to Jarrett C. for his invaluable help in compiling such an epically awesome list!)
Apparently some scientists got together to figure out why some people like their vodka shaken and some like it stirred. Um, thanks, Science? How do scientists get funding for this kind of thing anyway? Isn’t there a cancer of some kind they could be working on curing?
Anyway, the Mr and Ms Wizards discovered that the preference between shaken and stirred has to do with slight differences in the vodkas’ molecular structure. Vodka’s made up of 2 things: water and ethanol. So researchers studied the chemical composition of 5 brands of vodka to see if the water-ethanol groupings always happen the same way.
The researchers found that some vodkas had a higher concentration a certain cage-like chemical structure, in which five or so molecules of water surround each ethanol molecule. They say that the shaking of a vodka martini may break up those cage structures, possibly affecting the taste of the drink.
Do we care? Not really. I’m still stuck on the fact that scientists got funding to research this. Are they scientists working for Stolichnaya? How do you like your martinis — shaken or stirred?
Apparently scientists are working on a “cuddle spray” to make men more affectionate. Normally we’re very solitary creatures slinking off to our caves after sex and sleeping on a pile of rocks, ice water running through our manly veins. When we’re done with that we eat some steaks and wrestle bears. I don’t see why science would want to tamper with any of that.
I love when science solves problems no one really has. Take the case of this “food printer”. Dubbed “The Cornucopia”, this totally unnecessary gadget:
1. Gets loaded with canisters of all your favorite foods.
2. After you select a meal using Cornucopia’s touch screen, it assembles your gruel, er um, I mean dinner.
3. The process involves piping ingredients into a mixer and them “extruding” them. Yum.
It also tells you the calories and carbohydrate content of your meal. I am not sure caloric content will be a concern once I’m faced with a steaming pile of cucumber, ravioli and peanut butter mush. Thanks any way, science. I think I’ll just check my floor to see if I can find any stray potato chips:
OK, so maybe that header is a bit harsh. There’s a new iPhone app called Urban Signals. If you go to the proprietary site, you’ll get a cutesy little demo video of how it works; it basically turns your cell phone into a GPS device that helps point out other single-and-looking folks. At first blush I thought this was way creepy, but then I paused and thought about it and realized that since it’s an opt-in subscriber-driven app, the only people who will show up on your phone’s UI are exactly like you (editorially speaking). So it’s a lot like a less web 1.0 version of Craig’s List’s “Missed Connections” board, with the possibility of a “Casual Encounter” thrown in. So…still creepy, but vaguely consensual.
That said, I could see this blowing up in the faces of the creators of the app when the resulting network is comprised of a) an army of Comic Book Guys pinging b) a much smaller army of kind of cute girls with no self-esteem.
Do you love getting drunk but hate the pukey, headachey morning after? Well, science has, once again, stepped up to the plate! Scientists are now developing a booze substitute that gives you a buzz, but won’t get you totally falling down hammered or give you a hangover. Imagine, those nights of dancing on the bar and waking up next to a complete stranger could be a thing of the past.
As an added bonus, the fake booze will come with an “off” pill, so you can drink up during your lunch break and return to your job as a forklift operator immediately after.
The fake booze is being designed using chemicals related to Valium. It will work like booze on the brain, providing a feeling of relaxation and happiness. Unlike real booze, the impostor version won’t cause mood swings or addiction. Sounds like a win-win I guess. Thanks, science? I just hope fake booze will be as delicious as the original.
While we’re on the subject of fun with booze, my wife and I are going on vacation in May! (Vacation usually involves a fair amount of adult beverage consumption). We are going to Reykjavik, London and Amsterdam! If you have tips on any of these locales (or live there and want to join us for a beer) let me know. I’ve never been to any of these cities so I would love to hear your suggestions on what to do, where to go drinking or where to stay.
P.S. Many thanks to Modern Cat for featuring us today! I know lots of our readers are as crazy for kitties as we are, so take a gander at this kitty related blog. We’re doing a tee giveaway over there too, so be sure to check that out.
