I “get” kawaii. I like cute stuff. I understand the appeal.

I also get irony. I am, after all, a postmodern Gen Y-er. To someone of my age and disposition, irony is the peas to my cynicism’s carrots.

So to combine the cuteness of kawaii with the irony that has been the life-blood of the last few generations seems like a no-brainer.

But something about kawaii-styled pooh smells funny (ZING!)

This is nothing against designer Undoboy, who has a much more impressive design resume than I do, and who seems to have a relatively concrete aesthetic that he works from and within.

But poop is poop. It is, quite literally, waste. And the deranged notion amongst kawaii enthusiasts that illustrating anything in a kawaii style makes it adorable, regardless of how noxious it actually is, is ridiculous. And while we’re calling spades spades, let’s also acknowledge that avoiding poop’s natural, um, “hue” in lieu of a more aesthetically-pleasing rainbow palette is cheating.

That said, be sure to be on the lookout for my upcoming design, “Pastel Vomit”. Two can play at this game, Undoboy!

So I reaallly didn’t want to devote any time or energy to a vapid shell of a human being like Jessica Simpson, but I’m sure those of you who are huge fans of trashy celebretard news like me have heard about Jess’s recent weight gain and all the nasty gossip that’s accompanied it on TMZ and the like.

More than anything else, this seems like nothing more than a very unfortunate wardrobe decision. But the whole reason I’m posting about this is regarding Jessica’s little sis Ashlee, or rather, her most recent myspace blog post.

“I am completely disgusted by the headlines concerning my sister’s weight. A week after the inauguration and with such a feeling of hope in the air for our country, I find it completely embarrassing and belittling to all women to read about a woman’s weight or figure as a headline on Fox News.

All women come in different shapes, sizes, and forms and just because you’re a celebrity, there shouldn’t be a different standard.”

Is it just me, or does this sentiment ring EXTREMELY HOLLOW considering how widely reported Ashlee’s many trips to the cosmetic surgeon have been since she first appeared on the pop music scene? I’m not disagreeing with her. I’m just sayin’.

All that being said, I should add how impressed I am by Ashlee’s devotion to correct grammar and spelling. You go, girl!

It’s been a bad December. My girl got the flu, her car got towed, our cat died, we missed every fun holiday party our friends hosted. All of these issues kept us away from the gym and we are now not only broke due to vet bills, but we’re also feeling pretty fat and digusting due to copious alcohol consumption and lack of exercise. The other day, after trying to get back on the horse with the gym, we had to run some errands, so we stopped into Whole Foods for some water. We were feeling rather parched.

You can’t just get regular old water at Whole Foods, no sir. At Whole Foods you’re presented with a technicolor wall of water-like substances promising great things. This is water 2.0. You can have fruit water, mineral water, vitamin water, energy water, relaxation water, water that makes your manhood larger. You name it, there is some kind of water for it at Whole Foods.

We finally settled on a very sexy bottle of Eternal water, mostly because it was on sale. This was also the most water-like of the water options. First of all, you have to love the sexy product packaging, it’s shaped like a woman. Hot hot! The very name implies that drinking this stuff will make you eternal — eternally young, eternally appealing to the opposite sex. It wasn’t enough that this water came in a curvy bottle, it proudly proclaims that it is from New Zealand and that it’s artesian water and loaded with silica. I am not sure why I should care about all these things, but apparently these are important perks when it comes to Eternal water. I’d be a damn fool to drink anything out of the tap, and Brita be damned. Go have a gander at the Eternal water website, you’ll see it’s more than a beverage, it’s an experience.

I’d love to be the guy that comes up with the marketing copy for bottled water, because I’d just make stuff up that sounds good. It’s not like anyone would check up on these things. Drink our splendid water. It’s harvested daily from Himalayan icecaps by Tibetan monks, using handthrown clay pots blessed by Buddha himself. You’d definitely want to buy my water.

At my day job they’re always trying to push health savings accounts like it’s their job. Do they get a commission or something? It’s a good idea in theory, you put aside pre-tax earnings to pay for health related expenses. The only problem is that this plan is geared entirely to the unhealthy.

You may use your HSA for a weight loss program to treat obesity. You may not use your HSA for your gym membership dues. So if I get super fat, then I can use my pre-tax cash to slim down, but until then health club going isn’t a health related expense.

You may use your HSA for birth control pills. So my girl can enjoy blood clots, stroke or heart attack, but no using the HSA for condoms, which help us all avoid STDs.

You may use your HSA to go to the doctor to get your scurvy treated, you may not use your HSA to buy some vitamin C.

You may use your HSA for a root canal. You may not use your HSA to buy some toothpaste and toothbrush to prevent said root canal.

It’s like these rules were written with the intention of discouraging any preventative measures. I am sure it’s a mass conspiracy to get me to neglect my health and spend more with the drug companies or something.

The news, or should I say the bad news, has gotten so depressing I just can’t even watch it any more. It’s beyond depressing, it all just puts me into a big boiling rage when I do watch and I don’t want to feel mad all the time. I normally like to stay informed but this is too much.

I am over hearing about Blagojevich. I am enraged hearing about the economy. I am livid over the hypocrisy in our culture. On one hand we have free market douche nozzles going on about how important it is that we respect capitalism and let the market sort things out. Our economic policy has been near anarchy and it’s been shitty for society. Foreclosures and unemployment are not for the greater good!

On the other hand, our government isn’t so worried about freedom when it comes to smoking a joint, paying for a hand job or letting a couple of dudes say “I do”.  When it comes to fun stuff like sex and drugs we’re all very concerned about what’s good for society.

Here is a thought, bring on the drugs and hos. You know people are already paying for that any way, but if we legalize it, we can tax it. Also, sex and drugs make people happy, foreclosurse and job losses make people depressed. Everyone could definitely use some sex and drugs right now, and the government could use some more cash to try to clean up this mess.  Just make sure next time you guys go handing it out to giant corporations that made this fucking mess (with your help of course), you have a lot more strings attached.