It’s no secret that Baptist evangelical Freddie Gage’s All My Friends Are Dead sermon LP has spawned a lot of homages and parodies over the years. I had initially thought about doing this design “straight”, using an actual historical figure. But the wife made a suggestion last night (after I had already completed the design, as is often the case) that maybe a zombie might be a better subject. After my customary tantrum at having to scrap hours of work, I got started on the revision. It turns out she was right (as is often the case.)

I designed a new tee over the weekend. I think it’s cute’ish.

We had a dinner party over the weekend and between salad and soup, my cat decided to steal my seat at the table. Check him out, he looks like he’s waiting to be served.

New design, ladies and gents. Please buy one? I have to feed my ever-expanding cat expensive diet food.

If you’re a regular visitor to this blog, you may remember that a few months ago I rescued two abandoned cats. Yesterday the wife and I (Wife! Crazy!) took Hobbes for a booster shot and the vet told us this guy needs to lose some weight. Because he. is. seventeen. and a half. pounds. Before you report us to social services, please understand that this cat is big-boned. Seriously; this guy’s paws are gigantic, and when he stands on his hind paws he can put his front paws on our counter top. It’s like we have a little mountain lion running around the house. You should hear him trotting down the hall upstairs, it sounds like a herd of elephants. I tried to point this out to our vet, but she still insisted Hobbes was getting pudgy, even for a big-boned part-mountain lion.

So Hobbes (and our other cats) are now on a new and more expensive diet cat food. Awesome. Maybe if you guys didn’t spend 22 hours a day in bed you wouldn’t be packing on the pounds. Just a thought. I am amazed they don’t get bed sores. You’ve never seen lazier animals.

I’m hoping Hobbes’ new food will help him slim down a bit, but if that doesn’t work, there are options:

1. Coffee in the water fountain
The cats have a fancy water fountain that’s supposed to encourage them to drink more water. I’m thinking maybe it’s time to switch my boys to coffee. Kitties on speed will not only result in good Youtube fooder, but all that caffeine might keep them from spending their entire day in bed. Imagine how much more productive my cats could be with a little morning joe. I bet I’d never see another house fly again.

2. Treadmill
We’ve all seen the very excellent videos of cats on treadmills, no? Perhaps it’s time to invest in one for my cats. Not only would this be great exercise, I am thinking we could knit them some leg warmers and headbands. They’d look adorable, like feline Jane Fondas or Olivia Newton Johns.

3. Kitty Thinspiration
I think part of the issue with my cats’ obesity is that they’re pretty proud of themselves. You should see them lying on their backs, tummies in full view, paws in the air. They take great pride in their excess baggage.

You’ve heard of pasting skinny models to your fridge to keep on your diet? Maybe what we need are photos from Cat Fancy of svelte pretty kitties to shame our boys into some self-control. Living in the media-free bubble that is our household, our cats have no concept of socially accepted beauty. A self-conscious cat is a health-conscious cat. Bring on the kitty fashion mags!

P.S. None of the above suggestions are approved by veterinarians. I am only kidding. Please do not try these ideas at home.

P.P.S. I (and our vet) think our cats are pretty rad at any size. We just don’t want them developing kitty diabetes or heart failure. Shit is real. Protect ya neck!