Jason Vorhees is still a dick…but that Jar-Jar Binks fan does deserve a vigorous machete-ing.
February 13, 2012
May 11, 2011
What does it say about the human condition that the one day of the week I have the biggest backlog of posts for is WTF Wednesday? Seriously, I first read about this almost a month ago! But that’s neither here nor there—WTF-worthy material has no expiration date.
So yeah…animal serial killers. Yikes! The most terrifying aspect of this list (humorously compiled by Robert Evans—I really hope the same Robert Evans that produced the greatest films of the 1970s, because that would be incredible—of Cracked.com) is that this is merely a top five. The creme de la creme of animal psychopathy, implying that there is most likely a much longer list of “honorable mentions” out there that we don’t even know about, just blissfully murdering us.
So who makes the cut (or bite, as it were)? Follow the link for the full list, but let’s focus on the top dog, because he is HEAD AND SHOULDERS above the #2 entry:
Gustave the Crocodile. This @$$hole has so far racked up a body count of roughly 300 humans over the last 66 years. I say “so far” because, yep, you guessed it: he’s still alive. What’s worse? He’s been shot in the face and three times in the side and he’s still kicking! Even bin Laden couldn’t survive a bullet in his eye, and he had opposable thumbs and was much taller.
Gustave is estimated at over 20 feet long and 2,000+ pounds. That’s like a Ford F-150, but with teeth and the ability to swim. A little more context: the average Nile crocodile grows to 13-14 feet long. Also, #2 on the list, the inspiration for the Jaws franchise? Killed a mere four people. Check my math, but I believe that makes Gustave 7500% more murderous than freakin’ JAWS.
And if you haven’t clicked through yet and are saying, “But Matt, 300 people over 66 years isn’t that much when you think about how much and how often an animal that size needs to eat”, LET ME FINISH.
Gustave isn’t eating all of the people he’s killing. In many cases, he’s not eating ANY of the people he’s killing. He’s been known to rumble through a crowd or people along the banks of the river, chomping through legs as he goes, before re-entering the river. Some days, when Gustave is feeling especially lazy, he’ll just drag fishermen OUT OF THEIR BOATS, drown them, and leave, without so much as a sample of the person he killed entering his tummy.
My question…does he like cats?