For months all I’ve been hearing about is Twilight. TWILIGHT TWILIGHT TWILIGHT! The kids love it. So when it finally came out on DVD yesterday (I say “finally”, even though it just premiered in theaters in November. Remember waiting almost a year for movies to come out on video?), we rented it. I can now say with all confidence that Twilight is the worst movie of all time. And I say this having seen some really bad movies. I watched this movie called Werewolves on Wheels once, and there weren’t even any werewolves. It was just dudes on motorcycles. There was one werewolf at the very end, and the costume was cheap and blurred by bad camera work. NO GOOD. Anyway, I digress. Twilight sucked.

The characters were stupid and unlikable. The dialogue was so bad we actually laughed out loud every time anyone in this movie spoke, and the thinly-veiled subtext likening male sexuality to the predatory nature of vampirism is offensive to pretty much everyone.

Why do teen girls like this Edward Cullen character? He alternates between being rude and creepy, two qualities I don’t typically imagine are associated with being a sex symbol. Unless you are either Crispin Glover or Marilyn Manson. And even then, you’re talking about a sociological niche sex symbol for whom said sexiness is agreed upon by only the smallest group of Sandman-reading goth girls. Take, for example, the scene in which vampy-pants shows up in his girlfriend’s bedroom uninvited (Yes, in this movie, vamps can enter without being invited. SCREW YOUR POSTMODERN DECONSTRUCTION OF VAMPIRE LORE, STEPHENIE MEYER.) She wants to know what he’s doing there. He explains that he’s been breaking into her bedroom for months and watching her sleep. Um, what? Any remotely sane person would be terrified by this explanation and pull out the pepper spray (which, in the film, has been handily provided by Bella’s father, not once, but TWICE.) That is how creepy Edward Cullen is. If creepiness were rated on a scale of 0 to 2 using cans of pepper spray (and it is, for the purposes of this blog post), Edward Cullen would be getting two cans of pepper spray. CREEPIEST. So this twit Bella finds his stalking irresistibly sexy and wants to make out with him. Of course. Because that’s what you do when you find strange dudes in your bedroom, leering over you as you sleep. You assert yourself by sticking your tongue in his mouth.

Of course, once the make out starts, vampy gets overexcited and must stop, to preserve his girl’s innocence. Again, there’s that lame sexual metaphor. Don’t kiss a boy, because when boys get excited they turn into uncontrollable monsters and want to ruin you with their dicks fangs.

Also, why the hell are these vampires allowed out during the day? Isn’t that rule #1 for vamps? No sunlight? When Edward is “coming out” to his beloved about his bloodsucking ways, he’s telling her how he’s all evil and stuff, and she should stay away. Like the moron that she is, his girlfriend is unimpressed by his warnings. Then, very dramatically, Edward says “YOU SHOULD SEE WHAT I REALLY LOOK LIKE! IN THE SUNLIGHT!” I am thinking, great, finally, we get to see fangs and horns and stuff. Guess what? He fucking sparkles, like a homo-sexy unicorn. Vampires are not supposed to sparkle in sunlight. They are supposed to burst into flames. CINEMATIC FAIL.

In fact, this movie makes me very thankful I do not have kids. Because if I had a teen, I don’t think I’d let them see this movie. Not because I’m an uptight prude; I’d just rather let my kid watch any Judd Apatow or Kevin Smith movie. At least there is a semblance of realism at play in those films in the way the characters romantically interact. The problem here is that the kids find Edward and his douchey behavior admirable; guys are supposed to want to be him, and the girls are supposed to want to be with him. That isn’t an idea any impressionable youth should entertain, in my opinion. Ladies, if you meet a guy who acts like Edward Cullen, two words: RESTRAINING ORDER.

Finally, Edward’s “family” in this movie play baseball as a recreational pursuit. WTF?! Vampires do not play baseball, Stephenie Meyer. Everyone knows this.

I give this movie -1000 stars.Or +2 pepper sprays. They amount to the same thing.