I’ve been so busy catching up on stuff since I got back from my trip overseas that I forgot to tell you all about how the rest of it went. In our last installment, the heroes were trapped by a diabolic ash cloud in a land of ice. Thankfully the natives were friendly and we went out boozing with a fellow stranded passenger from Norway. The Icelanders were an affable bunch and we had as good of a time as one can have while being stranded.

Unfortunately, things mostly got worse before they got better. Iceland Air refused to fly us over to London until Saturday afternoon, putting us in London after 11pm on Saturday night. This means we really only got about 24 hours to hang out in London. Further exacerbating our already raised ire, the London guest house gave away our room! You see, as soon as we realized we were going to get to London a day late, we called the guest house there and told them we’d be late. They said okay. I assumed we’d be stuck paying for the room for Friday night, but what can you do at that point?

So we arrived in London at 11pm on Saturday night and that’s when the guest house owner chose to inform us that he’d given away our room! This was a pretty huge deal because the room we reserved was the nicest one they had. It was the only one with a proper king-sized bed and private bath. The guest house owner tried to pawn another room off on us, but my princess wife wasn’t having it. I think I saw actual steam come out of her ears.

The alternate room was really not an acceptable substitute. It had cracked dirty walls, a bed that was really more of a cot with a paper thin mattress. It had a shared bathroom with some filthy creature who littered the space with their toiletries and didn’t believe in flushing the toilet. There was no wastebasket in the place at all. There was trash scattered around the apartment. It was more suitable as a crack den than an actual hospitality venue one might pay money for. The wife insisted we find a proper hotel immediately, despite having already paid for guesthouse from hell. I can’t say I disagreed with her.

We tried to salvage the night, and our moods, with a drink at a bar. The place we checked out was full of surly aggressive locals who all seemed to be one inadvertent glance away from starting a fight. One of them loudly berated me for a good 60 seconds for “interrupting” her when I hadn’t even spoken to her. She seemed to be crazy. I also overheard her accuse the bartender of stealing her credit card, which later turned up in her purse.

We ended up just spending a lot of time in the hotel, hiding out from what felt like a city full of angry drunks, even during the day. London’s one saving grace was dinner at Saf. It was probably the best meal we had on our trip, though there were other good ones. I guess overall, London was too much like NYC for our taste. Here in Charm City, people are, well, mostly charming. You don’t run into a lot of angry aggressive types where we live, so the scene in London was kind of a culture shock. We did get to take a walk around Primrose Hill (very cute neighborhood) and took a spin on the London Eye.

Thankfully, we made our way to Amsterdam on Monday and from there it was all smooth sailing. Amsterdam was amazing. We’ll definitely go back. It was clean, laid back, pretty and full of fun things to do. We saw tons of amazing art, drank really good beer, checked out the kitties at the Cat Cabinet and got some unbelievably delicious Indonesian food. Despite it’s reputation for dope and hookers, the city didn’t really have a seedy vibe. The other fun thing was the 24 hour access to spectacular junk food. You can get ahold of pizza, falafel, pastries, pretty much anything, at any time of day. I was in carbohydrate heaven.

We wrapped up our trip in Iceland. We rented a car and drove around the southern part of the country, checking out the exotic landscape, geysers, hot springs and waterfalls. Iceland had a lot of spectacular scenery and uncrowded, easy-to-navigate roadways. The bars were full of friendly beautiful people and the local brew, Viking, was even pretty tasty on tap.

Below are a few photos from the trip:

Yesterday I got on a plane to go to London and start a much needed vacation. The plan was to fly Iceland Air to Reykjavik, have a 1 hour layover, and then head to Heathrow. An hour before we were supposed to land, it was announced that we were instead being diverted to Akureyri, Iceland.

First of all, let me tell you about Akureyri, or as my wife keeps calling i,t “Atreyu” (both because it sounds a little like “Atreyu” and because the place looks like The Nothing from Neverending Story had its way with the place). Akureyri is 5 hours northeast of Reykjavik. It’s practically IN the arctic circle. I was half-expecting polar bears to greet us. It appears to have about 5 man-made structures, in addition to the airport. If you want to call it an airport; it’s about the size of a 7-11.

After de-planing in Akureyri we were subjected to a 5-1/2 hour bus ride to Reykjavik. On a bus without heat. Let me tell you right now, “Iceland” is aptly named. It’s fucking cold here. My cranky wife was simultaneously nerdy and creepy when she said she wanted to wear me like a Ton-Ton for warmth. She later decided against that, saying she might need to eat me instead since we hadn’t been fed in over 12 hours. Our sleep-deprived road trip consisted of a death-defying jaunt through a barren wasteland of snow and mountains. We saw the occasional sheep and/or pony farm every hour or so.

An hour outside of Reykjavik our frozen bus broke down. In a tunnel, while I was asleep. So I woke up in a dark cave to an Icelandic woman urging me to get off the bus. I was all “What? Huh, where are we? Are we in a cave? Are you leaving me in a CAVE?!” They wanted us to get on some other bus, without our luggage. Iceland Air people lied to us and said assured us our baggage would be delivered to a hotel and we’d get a flight to our eventual destination.

We spent the rest of our day trying to get Iceland Air to make good on the promise to give us our luggage and trying to find another flight. We also spent much of our time lamenting the fact that our toothbrushes were in said luggage and our teeth felt gross. Also feeling pissy about the hotel demanding $20 for martinis! At this point it’s almost inhumane to not have free martinis. We eventually also paid $20 to get a cab to the bus terminal to retrieve our misplaced luggage out of pure despair for toothpaste and clean undies.

We are starting to wonder if this volcano isn’t some elaborate ploy to trap travelers in Iceland and force us to spend exorbitant sums on booze to stimulate their economy. We are tentatively going to London tomorrow. This gives us only roughly 24 hours of actual vacation time in London before we have to head to Amsterdam for the next leg of vacation. All I can say is 1. Amsterdam better happen and 2. It better be epic to make up for our thus far atrocious vacation. Who needs a drink?

P.S. I don’t really hate Iceland. It’s a neat place and I totally understand that sometimes things happen beyond the airline’s control. I still don’t forgive the frozen bus/lost luggage. I mean, they aren’t flying today. Would it have been sooo hard to get a bus with heat and not separate us from our luggage? Or at the very least pay to reunite us with our luggage and buy us a few rounds at the bar? Being vegetarian, this offer of a free reindeer sausage is not make me feel better about things.

Um, wtf? Seriously, I don’t think the WTF Wednesday “moniker” has ever been more apropos than in regard to this little wondrous snippet of interwebz magic. I find it kind of conflicting, too. While I think this girl’s actually published “book” (they must not have a word for zine in Iceland) is CRAMAZING, especially given the painstaking anatomical detail in the illustrations, it seems a bit tragic that such a relatively cute girl is so clearly insane and rabid with elf-lust.

Take heed, kiddies; this is what comes from a life lived in barren wastes listening to Bjork.