I’m stuck in jury duty today, so I thought I’d share some awful stuff with you guys — feel my pain!
These are the ten worst commercials I can think of right now that I hope I never see again:
1. Geico’s “Piggy” commercial: Fair warning — Geico shows up a few times on this list. They’ve recently introduced a new ad campaign featuring the fifth “little piggy” that went “wheeeeee” all the way home.
2. Education Connection: Ugh, they’ve made so many of these terrible, terrible ads, each featuring a slight variation of the jingle lip-synched by a slight variation of the brunette for the previous ones. This is the one I hate the most, though.
3. FreeCreditScore.com: I actually don’t hate the newest band they got to do their commercials — they have sort of a harmless OkGo/Fountains of Wayne-on-a-bad-day power-pop thing going on that masks the jingle-ness of the stuff they sing. But the FIRST band they had — those guys sucked.
4. Eastern Motors: Anyone who grew up in the DC-area back in the mid-90s through to today is familiar with these commercials, but the one that sticks in my mind is the one featuring comedian John Witherspoon acting like he’s happy to be doing a local business commercial.
5. Geico’s Caveman commercials: The irony of these is that despite their awfulness, some TV exec thought this was a pervasive-enough meme to warrant an entire sitcom based around cavemen trying to make it in the modern world. Hopefully they have since been fired, or at the very least become better at their job.
6. Burger King’s “sexy” Paris Hilton commercial: My issue with this ad is the conflation of cheeseburgers with sexiness. Das not comput. I’m not a huge fan of Ms. Hilton, but even if this same ad concept were applied to a lady I did find sexy (say, Jennifer Connelly or the red-headed version of Scarlett Johansson), them making out with a Whopper would turn me off pretty damn quickly.
7. Geico’s Gecko in NYC commercial: For the most part, I’ve found the Geico gecko to be the least offensive “pitchman” in the Geico stable of crap. However, two ways to erase any hint of that goodwill indifference is to force the limey voice actor to try and sound like he’s some sort of mutant from the Bronx, and to give yet another pop-cultural BJ to New York City.
8. Verizon LG Spectrum commercial: Let me get this straight — given the option to choose between a phone that will be outmoded in less than six months that does NOT send holographic messages or make repairs to X-Wing fighters mid-flight and a functional R2 unit that DOES, we should opt for the phone because it doesn’t require opening a user’s manual or, y’know, THINKING?
No, David Blaine.
9. Geico’s money with eyes commercial: WTF, Geico? You’re not even trying here, are you?!
10. Miller High Life’s one-second commercial series: This is actually a decent concept from an execution standpoint, and also helped underscore High Life’s brand positioning as a blue-collar beer during the aftermath of the economic crash in late 2008.
That said, it also is advertising Miller High Life. No, David Blaine.
Dis-honorable Mention: KFC’s Cheesy Bacon Bowl, only because I couldn’t find the ad on YouTube. I know this is an un-trendy position to take, but no, “add bacon” does not always mean “made better”. And the way the dude says it, it just sounds like KFC’s not really trying:
“Sir, we really need to get some new product out there — Wendy’s is killing us with that Big ‘n’ Juicy, and the Double-Down was a flop!”
“Eh? Jeez, man, do I need to think of EVERYthing? Just throw some bacon on it!”
10. A really crappy gin & tonic from the saddest tiki bar (imaginatively-named “Tiki Bar”) I’ve ever been to. I really wanted a Dark & Stormy, but apparently a rum-based drink with only one mixer (ginger beer) like that is much too exotic for a bar whose entire existence is predicated upon knowing how to make rum-based drinks with 3+ mixers, a shitload of fruit garnish, and a tiny paper umbrella.
9. Vegan Chicken Noodle Soup: A variation of my grandma’s recipe, nothing helps temper the inevitable “airplane” cold like chicken noodle soup.
8. Salad: Real talk: after three straight days of carb-coma, my body was absolutely CRAVING a big, dirty salad.
7. Whipped potatoes: “Mashed” has become the “Kleenex/Band-Aid” of the potato world, but I actually prefer the silky smoothness of whipped potatoes. And since rolling out of bed looking like a twee Adonis don’t come easy post-30, I don’t get to indulge as much anymore.
6. Vegan “turkey”: I love fake turkey, and Darbster’s Bistro did a fine job of approximating what we would have made ourselves.
5. Pecan Pie: I love pecan pie. It’s probably in my top five desserts list, but I rarely come across a really good one. This one was really good.
4. Leffe Blond Beer: Yeah, I was drinking pretty much non-stop; it is my style. Especially when the holidays roll around and I’m seeing a lot of family (just kidding [sort-of]; I love you guys!)
2. Lindeman’s Cabernet Sauvignon: See below. Seriously though, Lindeman’s is a fantastic low-to-mid-priced wine from Australia. And if you want to read a hilarious mash-up of pop cultural signifiers, check out their About page—rampant sex, arson in the cut-throat wine biz, and a real-life imitation of the Three Little Pigs story.
1. Lindeman’s Shiraz: I first discovered Lindeman’s on one of our quarterly wine-buying treks to Trader Joe’s in Virginia (Maryland really needs to allow grocery stores to sell alcohol). Our first stop on the way from the airport to spend three days with the in-laws’? Total Wine, naturally.
How about you guys? What were some of YOUR favorite foods over the holiday? Let me know in the comments section below!
We already know about how Swedish moose like to party. But now we get a little insight into the mysterious lives of Swedish elk!
Snapped by Peter Lundgren of Lindome, Sweden while getting some fresh air on his balcony, these three elk were just hanging out, nomming some (let’s face it, probably fermented) apples before they got down to business.
Apparently elk business is conducted in much the same way dog business is, but with input from the elk in the cubicle nextdoor. Someone needs to proof these contracts before we get them notarized, Larry!
So Australia was surprisingly like the U.S. in a lot of ways. But every one of those similarities was just a little off for some reason. Here’s a list of ten things that were just weird:
So I thought to myself in the airport newsstand at LAX “I bet Meredith misses American junk food. I’ll bring some Oreos® along!” Good thing, too, because in Australia, they don’t have Oreos®. The have Oreos® Classic.
2. The Royal w/ Cheese (AKA, the f#$king metric system):
They use the same road sign set-up that we do on their highways—kelly green field with white border and text, in the same font. But my ability to determine how soon we would arrive at a destination was thrown by the fact that all of the distances were in kilometers, as was the speedometer in our rental. This confusion extended to filling up at gas stations—sold by the liter, not the gallon, and rather than stating that regular unleaded was $1.45 per liter, it just said “145.8″ on the signs. So the cost of gas (and only gas) was expressed in hundreds of cents.
3. Alcohol Serving and Cost:
If you’re a cocktail and/or beer drinker and you’re in Australia, I hope you’re either loaded or OK with subsisting on wine. It’s easily the cheapest of their adult beverages. The average cost of cocktails in Melbourne is $18. Decent craft beers aren’t much less expensive, selling for between $8 and $12 a pint. Also, beers are served in one of three sizes: pots, pints, and jugs. Pints are like they are throughout the rest of the world (roughly 20 fluid oz.), but pots are half that size, and jugs are roughly equal to two pints (40 fluid oz.) Depending on the strength of the brew, you’ll want to adjust the size of your glass accordingly.
4. “Am I driving drunk, or just in Australia?”
They drive on the left side of the road, and the driver sits on the right side of the car. The toughest aspect of this? Remembering to use the lever on the right side of the steering column to signal turns and lane changes; the left side lever will (naturally) turn on your wipers. It’s very disorienting the first couple of days.
5. There are only white people in Australia.
Not really, but you’d certainly be forgiven for assuming that based on the television programming, especially the commercials. I think there may have been an islander in one of them, but that particular commercial was in black & white—almost as if they were trying to obscure the fact that there was a non-white actor involved. Now, our apartment had VERY basic channel offerings, but it was still noticeable enough that Meredith and I both commented on it.
6. Soccer is football. Football is GRIDIRON!
This was admittedly hilarious and awesome. They were actually airing commercials advertising open tryouts for refs, coaches AND players, and the clips of Australian “gridiron” they were showing throughout were so poorly-attended and sad-looking; you’d probably find more fans at a pee-wee football game for under-10′s here than the number that were watching the games in Australia.
7. They really love art:
Melbourne in particular was just COVERED in cool street art and graffiti, and that’s b/c it’s considered a valid form of artistic expression (as it should be). We walked by a couple of guys working on a mural in an alley off a main street at TWO IN THE AFTERNOON. The U.S. really needs to get on board with this.
8. Pumpkin, pumpkin everywhere, but not a pie to eat:
Basically, every restaurant had a pumpkin-centric item on the menu, but barring one establishment that offered a pumpkin pie ice cream sundae, they don’t seem to use pumpkin for sweet applications. They’re missing out!
9. They have a really vibrant music scene that is surprisingly (and wonderfully) not U.S.-centric.
We heard a lot of great indie-rock and pop music on the radio that just hasn’t broken through stateside, and it was pretty revelatory to find an entire continent with a rich pop musical history that I’ve only as yet scratched the surface of.
10. Wi-Fi = Dial-Up:
Seriously, the most frustrating aspect of being in Australia is the painfully slow internet speed. Even wired “high-speed” connections weren’t much better, with most browser windows freezing if more than two tabs were opened at one time. Maybe Al Gore was telling the truth when he claimed he invented the thing.
Recent Medal of Honor recipient USMC Sgt. Dakota Meyer (Ret.) just had one request when he went to pick up his hardware at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue: dude wanted a beer with the prez.
Fair enough; I’d probably make the exact same request, and despite some push-back from certain citizens that think it’s perfectly reasonable to expect the person with the HARDEST JOB IN THE WORLD* to remain tee-total for 4 to 8 years, I don’t think it’s a particularly unusual request.
*Seriously, if I was the President of the United States, I think I’d have to be baseline buzzed 24/7 just to motivate myself to get out of bed in the morning and deal with Congressional ass-clowns all day—from BOTH parties.
But the most amazing part of this story is the revelation that they were drinking Barack’s House-brewed beer—in this instance a couple bottles of “White House Honey Ale”. Delicious!
According to CBS News, the Obamas bought brewery hardware and had it installed in the White House (on their own dime, so fear not, tax-payers) and officially became the first First Family to brew its own beer IN the White House. How baller is that?!
Remember when I went to Germany a couple months back? Man, that was awesome. My big take-away from the trip though was that Germans (or at least Berliners) love five things is approximately equal measure:
• Beer
• Bicycling
• Dogs
• Cigarettes
• Asparagus
Well, the geniuses over there have decided to combine at least two of those things (and there’s no smoking ban over there, and if they serve asparagus poppers at the bar, watch out!) with the Bier Bike. I apologize for the lack of English, but basically, it seems a lot like a much less-annoying version of the Duck Tours.
Bier Bike tourists pay to pedal around a huge bike and drink beer. You know, like you do. Like everyone does. Even Duckie.
I apologize if I squished your mind-grapes with yesterday’s post about The Werewolf Cathedral; today it’s going to feel a bit like I’m piling on, but how could I possibly miss out on an opportunity to mention Newcastle Brown Ale’s latest offering, Newcastle Werewolf?
Described by Beeraucratic.com as “blood red and not too bitter with sweet berry currents,” I’m a bit on the fence about this one. I tried Schmaltz Brewing Co’s Coney Island Freaktoberfest last Fall, and I have to say that despite its decent taste, the blood-red color and freaky clown on the label creeped me out to no end and I had trouble finishing the 6-pack in a timely fashion (I think a bottle or two lasted into November).
That said, I do love the packaging, from the “Escaped From Britain” neck label to the claw marks and vintage werewolf etching on the main label.
That’s it for today—remember, if you’re in the Baltimore/DC/Philly area and are looking for something to do this weekend, consider checking out Otakon, the anime convention at the Baltimore Convention Center (one block west of the Inner Harbor). I’ll be there! If you ARE planning on checking it out, keep an eye out for me in the dealer room—I’ll be the guy standing under the red canopy with the banner featuring the giant-size Fuzz Aldrin & Victorious Yeti!
See, this is why Klout thinks I’m only influenced by alcohol in general, and Bad Decisions specifically: I blog about booze once a week, and more often than not, it’s something I discovered propping up the bar there.
So here I go, pumping up BD’s Klout score yet again: Steinlager Pure.
Anyone who’s a regular reader of this blog knows that when it comes to beer, I prefer darker ales. Lagers & pilsners just don’t typically do it for me. But a few months back I noticed one of these green bottles in John’s (the bar owner) hand. I immediately assumed it was Heineken, but was quickly corrected—it was Steinlager Pure. I asked for a taste comparison and was told “it tastes like Heineken or Stella, but without that stale @$$hole finish and aftertaste.”
Evocative!
I tried one, and have been hooked ever since. It’s not the ONLY beer I drink, but it is the only beer I ever really CRAVE when I want something crisp and refreshing and feel like something I can gulp as opposed to sip.
So what makes it so great? Well, like I said, it’s very crisp and refreshing and light, with just a hint of sweetness, and none of the bitterness I associate with Heineken or Stella and other light-colored beers, meaning it goes down very smoothly. There’s almost a citrus-like quality because it does taste so fresh. Plus, unlike so many of our big domestic brands, it actually has a flavor. It hails from New Zealand, and is probably one of the most sustainably-brewed beers in the world, and uses some of the purist ingredients you can find, from the barley & hops all the way to the water.
It’s being imported to the U.S. now, and if you prefer lighter beers that are manufactured with the environment in mind, look for it or ask around at your favorite watering holes to see if they’d ever consider carrying it.
Have you guys heard of Klout? It’s a new social media influence-compiler that takes all of the data produced by you on your various social networking accounts and grades you out based on link-clickage and page views and follows and likes. Like Google Analytics, BUT FOR YOUR VERY DIGITAL ESSENCE. I can’t decide if this is awesome or horrible. Probably both; the social media equivalent of watching some other dude get hit in the balls with some sort of object.
Here’s why it’s awesome:
Klout is new, so it has that “new app smell”, and it satisfies a navel-gazing urge and desire to have my ego stroked.
Here’s why it isn’t:
Klout is also pretty much a robot. And if a robot just rolled into your job or class wearing the coolest new clothes (mine, for instance), you’d probably want to hang out with it. But then it opens its mouth/switches on its speech facilitatrix, and just spews weird, random analysis of you based on what it sees with zero context. All of a sudden the cool new robot with the fly kicks seems a lot more like someone you’d like to shake down for lunch money.
For example:
That’s me. 29. My whole online existence, boiled down to a single (relatively low) number. High compared to my friends, but I rank lower than a lot of back-up outfielders on small-market National League baseball teams (how does Nyjer-f@#king-Morgan score a 57?!)
But check out the five topics I’m supposedly “influential” about:
1. Homelessness
2. Animals
3. Money
4. Billy Joel
5. Mystery
Let’s break it down: “homelessness” and “animals” should be paired together; my love of shelter pets and work with the SPCA is pretty well-known. Money…well, let’s just say that I always thought in order to be influential regarding that, you had to actually HAVE some. Klout thinks I’m Warren Buffet over here.
Billy Joel; OK, fair enough. I love The Piano Man. Apparently so much that he is the thing I care fourth-most about IN ALL THE WORLD. My wife, my cats, art, baseball, comics…don’t even make the list. And “mystery”?! I get that Klout is probably just picking up on the frequency of my Mystery Monday posts, but believing I’m influential about something as abstract as “mystery” is like saying you can actually “win” against terror.
Robots: awesome, but stupid.
FURTHERMORE, Klout believes that I am a.) not really all that influential, and b.) am only really influenced by ALCOHOL:
True though it may be, I don’t really need to be reminded of it by some douchey robot (whose shoes really aren’t all that great anyway). That’s right—my only influencer is Bad Decisions. My favorite bar.
Whatever. At least I’m not alone; Bad Decisions has a Klout score of 51, so clearly there are many other drunken Billy Joel fans with an air of mystery about them. I just need to find them.
In completely unrelated news, I’ve posted two new designs: Pirate Bunnies, and Ghost World. Snap ‘em up!
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