I’m not sure how I missed this, but apparently an insane person broke into the facility housing the Large Hadron Collider in Switzerland back in April of 2010.

Let me break it down for you: this kid with zero security clearance was found inside the facility wearing “weird” clothes (I wear tweed sport coats all the time—I’m not weird, I just went through a very serious Belle & Sebastian phase in the late 90s) and rummaging around in some trashcans and was immediately arrested. During questioning, he claimed his name was Eloi Cole and that he was searching for fuel for his “time machine power unit” (police reports indicated this device looked a lot like a kitchen blender) when he was discovered. He also revealed that he had traveled back in time to sabotage the Collider:

“Countries do not exist where I am from. The discovery of the Higgs boson led to limitless power, the elimination of poverty and Kit-Kats for everyone. It is a communist chocolate hellhole and I’m here to stop it ever happening.”

Kids these days!

Seriously, how stupid are the Swiss & French police to be so confused by this? Weird clothes + garbage-fueled time machine that looks like something made by Cuisinart = an idiot who’s basically a real-life Cable Guy because his parents let him watch the Back to the Future trilogy way too much as a kid:

“Yes, Marty. You two do become assholes in the future!”

While I fully agree with Eloi that Kit-Kats are Satan’s candy, eating them seems like an alright trade-off for limitless energy and the elimination of poverty. Maybe he’s a big Ayn Rand fan.

But the most distressing aspect of this whole story is that security at the Collider is so lax that this nut-job was able to waltz right in, and that the police were CLEARLY not concerned about it, or the fact that he then escaped from the mental hospital they took him to post-questioning:

Mr. Cole was taken to a secure mental health facility in Geneva but later disappeared from his cell. Police are baffled, but not that bothered.

Switzerland, just because you’re neutral about everything doesn’t mean you get to be lazy, too.

As a child of the 80s, I am a huge fan of the Back II The Future trilogy. So much so that I will defend its superiority over the original Star Wars trilogy to my dying breath. Outside of the ‘Roswell That Ends Well’ episode of Futurama, it may be the single most cohesive and understandable explanation of the basic principles of space-time (I have no scientific documentation to back that claim up).

So it was with a mixture of trepidation and glee that I watched Rachel Maddow interview game show legend Bob Barker on her nightly MSNBC show this evening. Rachel represents my adulthood perfectly: a precise mixture of geekiness and seriousness. While it would be a stretch to say that The Price Is Right played a defining role in my development as a child, I can say that it was easily the best part of staying home sick (outside of actually not going to school). Plinko, the showcase showdown, the grotesquely jiggling mothers of eight trundling down the studio steps, Bob’s strange magic wand-like microphone, announcer Rod Roddy looking like a methed-out Liberace—it was all I could do not to scream out prices in my football footy PJs, spitting Quaker Instant Oatmeal out of my mouth as I did so.

While the nature of Bob’s interview with Rachel was serious and no laughing matter, the surreality of the situation didn’t escape Rachel:

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While I did find it a bit disconcerting how calm and measured Bob was in describing the dispute between the Japanese whalers and the Sea Shepherds as “war” (he seemed a bit medicated throughout the segment, but especially during that bit), I love that even in retirement the old guy is still working tirelessly as a conservationist. And I really appreciated Rachel allowing him the time to articulately explain his position on spaying and neutering domesticated companion animals in the U.S.; it’s one of the big reasons I find the culture of pedigree breeding so distasteful. My Silk Nog supplies are dwindling, but I’m raising a glass to Mr. Barker tonight.

I want this.

Or rather, I would want it if it could actually help me travel through time. $229.69 is a lot to spend on something that doesn’t actually allow you to time travel.