About 2 weeks ago I mentioned that I am doing a special fundraiser for the MD SPCA. To help raise more cash for the critters I’ve released a new line of bottle opener keychains. Purchase one any time before April 17th and 100% of the net profits will be donated to the MD SPCA. The bottle openers will ship separately from apparel so rather than charge you guys for shipping twice, we’re just shipping bottle openers for FREE.

So please order a bottle opener. Spread the word, tell your friends, Tweet it, Facebook it, etc.  You can put one of these on your key ring, in your bar or hang onto them to give as hostess gifts or holiday stocking stuffers.

You can also make a direct donation to the MD SPCA on my March for the Animals page.

In the last 2 days I’ve received the following things in the mail:
- TWO separate letters confirming that I’ve elected to receive electronic communication from the bank
- a letter confirming that I’ve created an online account with my car insurance company
- a letter from the census bureau telling me I’m going to get a letter from them.

WTF?! Bank and insurance companies, clearly you have missed the point of my electronic communication requests so let me make this clearer. I want you to STOP SENDING ME PAPER! Just stop, no more. If you want to tell me something, email me. Got it?

Now as for you, census bureau: I don’t need you to send me a piece of paper telling me you’re going to send me more paper. How about if you just send me the paper you want me to look at and if I don’t respond then you can send me another piece of paper. Why not put in all caps “REPLY TO THIS PAPER OR WE’LL MURDER MORE TREES”? You can do it all ransom style even; have fun with it.

My wife was particularly incensed by this business with the census people. Our tax dollars could be put to better use than paying for unnecessary paper and postage. She wrote them a little note to express her wrath frustration. They responded, defending their wasteful practices, telling her that they’ve found 6-12% more people reply when they send 2 pieces of paper. This data is also 10 years old so is it really that pertinent? Here is what we don’t understand: why not try online first? Take all the addresses that reply online out of your database and then send the remaining addresses the paper you want them to fill out. When those come back, take out those addresses. Then you can re-mail the addresses you have left. Less paper, less postage. Everyone wins.

My wife pointed this approach out. Of course, she then she called them a bunch of dinosaurs and suggested they go have another egg cream and turn up their Victrola’s because by the time the next census rolls around all these problems will be eliminated thanks to robots. She’s a real people person.

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Image via American Apparel ad

If Russian mail order brides aren’t your thing, consider Hipster Wife Hunting. It’s like Suicide Girls but with less nudity and more boring chatter about bands you’ve never heard of. Nearly everyone is from Brooklyn, of course, so you’ll probably need to relocate to date these honeys. Never mind, what am I saying? If you want to date these women you’re probably already in Brooklyn. Now just make sure you’ve got:
- ironic facial hair
- track bike
- nautical star tattoos

I think my favorite potential hipster wife is Hospital, so nicknamed because she “shuffles around like a mental patient sometimes”. She also says she has “toe thumbs”. Anyone else getting turned on? And not to be shallow or anything, but she’d definitely divorce you if she didn’t care for one of the albums in your music collection. Fair enough.

Ladies, if you’re in the market you can submit your pictures. Now all you need are some weird looking wedding photos and a wedding dress from Urban Outfitters and you’re all set.

Maybe some pets like this? Then again, I could totally see Fido getting teased by the other pups at the park when he shows up strapped to his mom or dad like a toddler instead of, well, A DOG.

What say you, readers? Would your pets like to be carried in a pupooose? And who is this thing actually more embarrassing for? The human or the pet? Discuss.

To many of you out their in adult-beverage-land a lemondrop is a shot. An ounce of icy vodka followed by a bite of sugar dipped lemon wedge. All fun and games until someone loses their lunch. For more refined sweet/tart goodness, consider a lemondrop martini.  The icy booze with the pucker of lemon and sugary sweet finish makes for a delightful little drink. You’ll find me throwing a few back on my patio as soon as the temperatures make their way past 75 F.

Make yourself a Lemondrop:
1. Cut a lemon into 4 equal wedges and moisten two martini glasses around the rim with juice from the wedges.

2. Rim the moistened martini glasses with superfine sugar and set aside

3. Combine the following in your cocktail shaker:

• 3 oz chilled vodka
• 1 oz Cointreau
• 2 Tablespoons freshly squeezed lemon juice
• 2 Tablespoons superfine sugar (plus extra for rimming your glasses)
• ice

4. Shake to combine ingredients in shaker and then evenly divide the martini into two glasses.

5. Top off with a splash of seltzer for a little added sparkle and serve immediately.

I went a little nuts this afternoon when a friend forwarded this to me. As most people who know me personally are aware, I have a bit of a thing for making fun of Juggalos. For those of you not in the know, a juggalo is a fan of Detroit-based shock-rap duo Insane Clown Posse. It’s a pretty tight-knit group of ex-cons, meth addicts and such that enjoy drinking Faygo, painting their faces in ghastly clown make-up, and ending any and all sentences with “an’ shit.” Sort of a microcosm of what Mike Judge was attempting to portray in Idiocracy.

The creator of this video, Scott Gairdner, is clearly an unrivaled genius. He should pull a Salinger, because this is without question his Catched In The Rye; it is, after all, better to burn out than to fade away.

So the new art, please admire Groucho Barks and these cute new allium dudes:

Also, we have a new contest winner for our monthly comment-on-this-blog-to-win-free-stuff contest. The winner is:

“Hey look! Henry Waxman got new glasses””
-Jill @ Liv’nGood Jewelry wrote in response to Title This Tuesday: Obama Made a New Friend

Don’t despair, you can totally be our March winner. All you have to do is leave some comments around the blog

Final note, I am raising funds for the MDSPCA’s March for the Animals. Please make a donation? As always, purchases made on this website help raise funds for the critters. In the next week or so I’ll be releasing a special line of goodies with 100% of the net profits going to this March for the Animals (more on that soon, stay tuned.)