My week is all screwed up from the holiday. I thought yesterday was Monday and now I’m pretending today is a Tuesday, mainly because I don’t have anything super WTF’tastic to share today and I’m angling for some birthday well wishes. (My 20s are officially over so a little consolation is in order, right?)

As of today, I’m THIRTY! In honor of the big three-oh, here are 29 things about turning 30.

1. I can now run for the US Senate, at least legally. I’d never win, there are too many embarrassing photos out there.

2. 5 more years until I can run for President!

3. Patsy Cline and I share the same birthday, but she died at 30. Sad

4 At age 30, I’m now older than 42% of Americans. Look forward to me uttering a lot of phrases like “kids these days” and “when I was your age…”

5. My NFL dreams are probably over, the average NFL player retires at age 30.

6. My UFC dreams aren’t shot, most of those guys are my age. Something to fall back on in case this art thing doesn’t pan out?

7. Being 30 means discounts on car insurance, yay!

8. I’m still not even half way to senior discounts at movie theaters and museums.

9. I’m the same age as Post It Notes, CNN, Caddyshack, R.E.M., Jake Gyllenhaal, Chelsea Clinton and Kim Kardashian.

10. If I lived in Medieval Britain I’d probably be dead already.

11. In the 21st century US, I’m not even considered middle-aged yet.

12. By the end of today, I’ll be closer to 40 than 30.

13. My hangovers are worse than they were at 20, but at least I can afford better booze now than I could at 20. No drinking Hurricane for this 30 year old.

14. After age 30, your metabolism slows by about 5 to 7 percent per decade. I guess I’ll have to cut back on the cupcakes

15. I’ve also lost 10% of my muscle mass already, better start taking my gym going more seriously, eh?

16. I am not one of the 45% of 30 year olds who owns a firearm.

17.  I am one of the 10% of men over 30 who bites his nails.

18. My hair has not yet turned gray or fallen out. Win!

19. I still get carded.

20. I also occasionally get called “sir” by strangers.

21. Pre-30 accomplishments: Visiting 5 foreign countries, learning basic Japanese and selling prints of my drawings all over the planet.

22. Bill Gates made $234 million dollars by age 30. You win some, you lose some I guess.

23. F. Scott Fitzgerald was more bummed about turning 30 than I am, he said “”Thirty – the promise of a decade of loneliness, a thinning list of single men to know, a thinning briefcase of enthusiasm, thinning hair.”

24. Kristen Bell is a lot more psyched about turning 30 than I am, she said “I love 30 more than I’ve ever loved anything. I feel like I was born on my 30th birthday.”

25. 80% of the guys on People’s 2010 “Sexiest Men” list are over 30. Maybe I will get more distinguished with age? Not that it will do me much good according to Kinsey…

26. Kinsey says 18-29 year olds have sex an average of 112 times per year, but 30-39 year olds only average 86. Bummer

27.  Edvard Much painted “The Scream” at age 30, so there’s always hope that I’ll turn out some real masterpieces this year.

28.  Almost 4 million other Americans are turning 30 this year.

29. I have a greater than 99% chance of living to complain about turning 40

The cute face above belongs to a red panda. This solitary cutie likes to hang out in Asia (mostly in China, Myanmar and Nepal), where he munches on bamboo and worries about becoming extinct.

During the month of September, Ex-Boyfriend is donating 20% of the proceeds from the sale of Red Menance products to the Red Panda Network, a non-profit with a focus on red panda conservation.

If you want to help out these critters, order a Red Menace tee, tote, hoodie, messenger bag or key chain.  You can also just make a donation directly to the Red Panda Network.

Did you enter to win the cool hangover preventing vitamins I’m giving away this week? If not, get to it!

Remember my Drinkwel discovery? The founder of Drinkwel sent me a product sample. And my friends, it worked!!! This past weekend I drank 5 pints of Resurrection Ale in a row. I followed the handy instructions that came with my Drinkwel sample and, viola, no hangover the next day! It’s a miracle!!!

I am going to put Drinkwel to the test with wine and liquor. Just to confirm its awesomeness. But I want you to share in the fun, which is why I asked the nice Drinkwel guy to please send me 2 samples. One for me and one for an Ex-Boyfriend fan. If you’d like to get your mitts on some Drinkwel, enter the giveaway below:

Ever wanted to plot your global domination from a secret underwater lair? Your dream can finally come true! For a mere $2 million, you can have your very own personal submarine! Break out your Platinum card, Dr. Evil.

Your submarine fits two (perfect for you and your favorite henchman) and descends 1000 feet. It comes with a 120- and 24-volt battery bank that provides up to six hours of continuous undersea adventure evil plotting.

Awesome!

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P.S. Take a look around the rest of the site; we’ve added a bunch of cool new features, included a (hopefully) more user-friendly layout on the product pages, as well as new left nav options and a search box. Web 2.0 all up in this place!

P.P.S. I still wanna see your smiling face. Or your sneering face. Whatever suits you. Send me a picture of you in your Ex-Boyfriend tee or hoodie. Be sure to include your mailing address so I can send you a thank you.

(Via pictureisunrelated.com)

Stay tuned, I have bad ass owls coming your way. Plus I have news on Drinkwel and a giveaway planned. Check in later this week for the details

Lots of great booze news today!

First off, apparently Science got the memo AND the apology: they’ve stepped up and grown liver cells out of skin cells. This is a small but important stepping stone in the pursuit of consequence-free binge drinking. Thanks, Science!

Secondly, as I mentioned the other day, the good folks at Drinkwel have offered to pony up some free samples of their little miracle drug. To that end, I think it would be beneficial (strictly for the purposes of scientific research) to approach this whole thing like an experiment. So based on the number of pills they send, I’ll be dividing up my drinking into three phases comprised of an equal number of days. Phase I will focus on Drinkwel’s efficacy on beer, Phase II on wine, and Phase III on mixed drinks. I briefly contemplated a Phase IV involving all three, but I don’t hate my liver that much.

Here’s where I need your help: to keep the variables to a minimum, I’ll need to select one beer for Phase I; I can’t hop from Miller Light to Blue Moon to Resurrection Ale. I need a constant alcohol by volume percentage. What shall I drink? Same for mixed drinks; I’m leaning toward mojitos or dark & stormy’s, but am always open to suggestions (that don’t involve whiskey, bourbon or scotch—this is supposed to be fun, remember?) Leave your recommendations in the comments!

I guess in an effort to get yoga to man up (or nerd up), You Will Not Believe has come up with a “Star Wars” themed yoga system. I’m not duped by this obvious ruse though. Whether it’s “downward facing wookie” or “downward dog”, I’d rather spend my afternoon on the treadmill thanks.

Speaking of boozy indiscretions, $5 Dos Equis yards at Woody’s Rum Bar in Fells Point tonight. I’m there!