Ever wanted to plot your global domination from a secret underwater lair? Your dream can finally come true! For a mere $2 million, you can have your very own personal submarine! Break out your Platinum card, Dr. Evil.
Your submarine fits two (perfect for you and your favorite henchman) and descends 1000 feet. It comes with a 120- and 24-volt battery bank that provides up to six hours of continuous undersea adventure evil plotting.
Although I spend my fair share of time at the gym, I must confess, I never developed a fondness for yoga. My gym has free classes, but I’d sooner lick a bus stop than sit though an hour of lotus pose set to Southeast Asia-style hippie tunes. I don’t want to hug the earth or feel the child’s pose. I just want to listen to some Fugazi and sweat out last night’s boozy indiscretions.
I guess in an effort to get yoga to man up (or nerd up), You Will Not Believe has come up with a “Star Wars” themed yoga system. I’m not duped by this obvious ruse though. Whether it’s “downward facing wookie” or “downward dog”, I’d rather spend my afternoon on the treadmill thanks.
Speaking of boozy indiscretions, $5 Dos Equis yards at Woody’s Rum Bar in Fells Point tonight. I’m there!
Well, it’s Wednesday, so it’s time for me to share the weirdest thing I found on the internet this week, and boy does this qualify. Japanese artist Hiromi Ozaki has designed a menstruation simulation device, so dudes can understand what periods feel like. Um, thanks?
Ozaki also believes periods will become obsolete one day and future women will want to use this device to learn about periods.
Even the most infrequent visitor to my online store (and this blog) knows that Iheartzombies. In fact, I’m in the midst of reading S.G. Browne’s Breathers: A Zombie’s Lament, a fantastic novel narrated in first person by a zombie.
So of course, as soon as I found out about the wonderful new service provided by My Zombie Insurance, I just had to spread the word. I think we can all safely say that were pretty in-the-dark about how much property damage is attributable to zombies over the course of a given year. One could be forgiven for even going so far as to call us… brainless.
Also, big up’s for that killer (pun not initially intended, but it works, so it’s now retroactively intended) slogan: Zombies don’t care. We do.™ I don’t know about you guys, but I am all over this. Like zombies on brains.
Would you consume something that came from animal dung? Supposedly the world’s best coffee beans can only be found in the excrement of the civet, a Southeast Asian wild cat. Um, yuck!
According to this NY Times Article ,”Costing hundreds of dollars a pound, these beans are found in the droppings of the civet, a nocturnal, furry, long-tailed catlike animal that prowls Southeast Asia’s coffee-growing lands for the tastiest, ripest coffee cherries. The civet eventually excretes the hard, indigestible innards of the fruit — essentially, incipient coffee beans — though only after they have been fermented in the animal’s stomach acids and enzymes to produce a brew described as smooth, chocolaty and devoid of any bitter aftertaste.”
Sure it sounds good, but it came out of a kitty’s butt, so I’m still going to go with “ew”. (Though I wish my cats’ waste was worth that kind of money, I’d be set for life.)
The less funny and more depressing part of this article is that enterprising slimy entrepreneurs are now farming the wild cats, and keeping them in cages so that they can produce these prized beans. Poor wild cats
Have you heard about Fiverr yet? It’s an interesting concept. People post random things they are willing to do for $5.00 and you can hire them to carry out these tasks. It’s hard to say whether the economy is encouraging people to do bizarre stuff for a a mere $5.00 or if these people would be shilling their unusual services at bargain prices no matter what. Here are a few gems:
aioazech will “Photoshop an image of you to look like a Na’vi” (those creatures from Avatar). Blue skin and pointy ears? Hells yeah! Now I can finally make that match.com profile that will reel in the ladies.
If passive-aggressive fun is your thing, kayy is your girl. For a mere $5.00 she will make a 4 minute video yelling at someone you don’t like and post it to their Facebook or Twitter. Finally, someone to tell your ex-girlfriends all the things you were too much of a wuss to say yourself.
Other passive-aggressive relationship fun includes scarlettfleming’s offer to post flirty/sexy messages on your Facebook so you can make other ladies jealous. Yep, that ought to get your ex-girlfriend running back into your arms.
For the self-esteem impaired/attention-seeking types who feel hotornot simply can’t be trusted, you can rely on donniedarko. For $5.00 he’ll honestly tell you whether you are good looking on a scale of 1-10. How, uh, helpful?
Finally, for the most bizarre fetishists, Cady will give her boyfriend a zrbt (raspberry) and send you a video of it. Is this a thing people are looking for? I’ve heard of furries and feederism but this one’s new. WTF?!
Best new time waster: SEOLOL. It lists the most absurd things people search for on Google.I am simultaneously amused and weeping for humanity. A few of the gems:
1. “Nice looking home made brass knuckles” Um, because you wouldn’t want your DIY brass knuckles to look tacky or clash with your outfit?
2. “How to steal copper pipes” Who is the crackhead writing this tutorial?
3. “Where’s that chapstick” Hmm, did you check under the couch cushions? Google knows a lot, it even knows where things are like ATMs and pizza joints, but I think you’re expecting a bit much if you want it to find your misplaced toiletries.
4. “magic spell to shut someone up” Man, if only. Hey, if you find it let me know. Maybe we can cast it on Glenn Beck?
5. “Learn street talk of Marijuana” Mom, are you on the Googles again?
6. “Learn how to do drugs?” If you need to Google this, perhaps substance abuse is not the extra-curricular activity for you.
7. “Best cat urine” Huh, so there is a good kind and a bad kind? I wonder what kind my cats are making. If it’s the best kind can I sell it? What is it best for any way?
8. “Unicorn bereavement” Rainbow Brite, is that you?
9. “Am I Bipolar or an Overachiever” Huh, now there’s a thinker. I am not sure what one has to do with the other but I am sort of curious as to where this conversation is going. Tell me more?
10. “Drug addict scholarships” Why not? Drug addicts love to make time for an education. Will there be a class on how to steal copper pipes?
Hey guys, ever come home from a long day at the office to your clean house and Glade Plugins and think “this place smells too clean, you know what would make things more homey? If this place smelled like a fishing dock, or better yet, like someone just farted.” Sure your wife or girlfriend might bristle at these suggestions, but you can just tell her to take her “lilac fields” Febreeze and shove it. It’s time to man up your digs.
And how will you make this dream a reality? With Mandles of course. These man candles come in a variety of tantalizing scents like sawdust, pot roast, and yes, even “fart.” I can feel more hair growing on my chest just thinking about it.
Hans Jørgen Olsen, a 12-year-old Norwegian boy, saved himself and his sister from a moose using the valuable lessons he learned playing World of Warcraft. Apparently these two little moppets stumbled into a the moose’s territory while out for a walk and the moose didn’t appreciate the intrusion.
Hans got rid of the moose by alternately taunting it and playing dead. I am not sure what to make of this. On one hand this moose not only has children in his lair, but now he’s got kids taunting him? (How does one taunt a moose any way? Tell him he looks fat?) On the other hand, this moose was “taunted” by a small child and then actually believed the child dropped dead for no apparent reason. This can’t be the smartest moose in the forest.
Everything I know about breast fashion protocol I’ve learned from my wife and I always thought visible nipples was something to avoid. There are products for this! A lot of products for this! So you can imagine my confusion when I found this little gem.
Body Perks Nipple Enhancers proudly proclaims “Nipples are in.” And if you don’t like what nature gave you, hook yourself up with some Nipple Enhancers, ladies.
