If Russian mail order brides aren’t your thing, consider Hipster Wife Hunting. It’s like Suicide Girls but with less nudity and more boring chatter about bands you’ve never heard of. Nearly everyone is from Brooklyn, of course, so you’ll probably need to relocate to date these honeys. Never mind, what am I saying? If you want to date these women you’re probably already in Brooklyn. Now just make sure you’ve got:
- ironic facial hair
- track bike
- nautical star tattoos
I think my favorite potential hipster wife is Hospital, so nicknamed because she “shuffles around like a mental patient sometimes”. She also says she has “toe thumbs”. Anyone else getting turned on? And not to be shallow or anything, but she’d definitely divorce you if she didn’t care for one of the albums in your music collection. Fair enough.
I normally fill this space with more amusing stuff, but I’m spent after a busy weekend of new art and website tweaks. If you frequent these parts you’ll notice a few tweaks to the website. Just some minor stuff here and there that hopefully makes the site a little easier to navigate.
So the new art, please admire Groucho Barks and these cute new allium dudes:
Also, we have a new contest winner for our monthly comment-on-this-blog-to-win-free-stuff contest. The winner is:
Don’t despair, you can totally be our March winner. All you have to do is leave some comments around the blog
Final note, I am raising funds for the MDSPCA’s March for the Animals. Please make a donation? As always, purchases made on this website help raise funds for the critters. In the next week or so I’ll be releasing a special line of goodies with 100% of the net profits going to this March for the Animals (more on that soon, stay tuned.)
This year winter is not screwing around. It’s out for blood and trying to crush the city. I spent my weekend holed up inside my fallout shelter, um, house I mean, waiting for the snowpocalypse to subside. It left up to 3 feet of snow in some areas. Considering that I went out for a bit in it and had snow up to my ass, literally, I am inclined to believe it. Here are some photos of winter’s handiwork:
You can see all my winter mayhem photos on my Flickr account. Actually things got so crazy around here that neighbors to the south saw snow lightning! Yes, SNOW LIGHTNING. Who knew you could even have that? Watch if you don’t believe it. I like the screaming in the background of this video, it adds a certain Blair Witch vibe to the whole thing.
Winter’s not done with us either. We have another blizzard heading our way for Tuesday. Snowmageddon 2: This Time It’s Personal. Stay tuned for my epic battle with nature. In the meantime, enjoy some new art. Since I was trapped indoors all weekend I drew some new pictures. (I spent much of my weekend doing housework and cursing the snow, thus my illustrations have a theme this week.)
Watch out for Yetis my mid-Atlantic homies, I have a feeling they’ll be making their way into town any day now.
Fallen down on your fitness-related new year’s resolutions already? You probably just lack proper motivation. I know I’d be much more likely to hit the treadmill instead of the Ben and Jerry’s if I was dutifully preparing for a zombie apocalypse. Unfortunately I don’t live in Chicago, so I can’t get my ass in shape with ZombieFit.
Zombie fit is a work out program with a practical focus, surviving Z-day. With your zombie readiness work out routine you will be able to lift and throw heavy stuff, run fast and for long distances, and navigate obstacles and urban environments in an efficient manner. Sounds handy.
In totally unrelated news, instead of hitting the gym over the weekend I designed a new tee. I would have designed more tees, but Lost has totally taken over my life. We are watching it on Netflix and we’re completely riveted. In the meantime, enjoy Chow Guevara and look for more new art soon:
OK, so maybe that header is a bit harsh. There’s a new iPhone app called Urban Signals. If you go to the proprietary site, you’ll get a cutesy little demo video of how it works; it basically turns your cell phone into a GPS device that helps point out other single-and-looking folks. At first blush I thought this was way creepy, but then I paused and thought about it and realized that since it’s an opt-in subscriber-driven app, the only people who will show up on your phone’s UI are exactly like you (editorially speaking). So it’s a lot like a less web 1.0 version of Craig’s List’s “Missed Connections” board, with the possibility of a “Casual Encounter” thrown in. So…still creepy, but vaguely consensual.
That said, I could see this blowing up in the faces of the creators of the app when the resulting network is comprised of a) an army of Comic Book Guys pinging b) a much smaller army of kind of cute girls with no self-esteem.
Have you ever wondered about the physiology of music? Not the actual physiological make-up of music, but the body parts most often sung about? Well, the good folks at fleshmap.com have done all the heavy lifting for you, compiling data gleaned from over 10,000 songs (genre-independent) to create a pictographic body rebus. The diagram illustrates a genre by genre breakdown of body parts mentioned in song lyrics and their frequency. It’s pretty interesting. For instance, 77% of all songs feature the eyes as the most dominant lyrical body part. 22% feature the hands (blues and gospel). 11% (the percentage of hip-hop songs studied) featured the butt most prominently-in fact, within genre, the butt takes up the largest piece of the pie, with 20% of hip-hop body references relating to the booty (they like big butts and they cannot lie.) That said, hip-hop also offers the most physiological variety in terms of lyrical topics, with nearly twice the number of discrete body parts mentioned than any other genre.
I was a bit surprised that the eyes won out within the metal genre; I thought for sure the pictogram at the top of that list would feature a dragon, or maybe Satan. But I bet if the researchers went back and listened for context, the eyes in question would belong to dragons and/or demons. Glenn Danzig would happily grudgingly lend his personal library for cross-referencing this, I’m sure of it.
So this got me to thinking: what body part(s) do my commenters’ favorite artists/songs favor? Please respond below with artist, title, and excerpted lyric quoted.
Thinking about getting your man a little something special? Looking to treat yourself, guys? Here are a few ideas:
1. Man Girdle
Available at Marks & Spencers, the Bodymax Short Sleeve “Shaping Vest” is what Kramer and Frank Costanza dreamed up all those years ago on Seinfeld. Seriously, why not just market it as a “manssiere” or a “bro”? You basically double your market share by including both the freaks that buy this thing seriously and those who want it as either a gag gift or a Halloween costume. What’s so great about this is how emphatically it strikes a blow for gender equality; we can ALL pretend that there’s such a thing as a miracle fix for our muffin tops.
2. Mantyhose
The great irony of e-manicpate’s “mantyhose” line is the name of the company. Have you ever met a woman that loved wearing pantyhose? The closest I’ve ever come to that is hearing them complain about having to wear pantyhose to hide varicose veins (*shudder*). That’s not a desire, that’s a necessity. They would LOVE to be “emancipated” from hot, itchy hosiery. So what exactly do mantyhose offer emancipation from? My guess: your manliness. Unless you’re Trent Reznor or something, that guy can pull off that sort of thing.
3. Pants That “Enhance” Your Junk
Calvin Klein’s Destructed Ore Low-Rise Slim Fit jeans. Billed as featuring a “profile enhancing reinforced fly”, these jeans are like a Wonderbra for your man parts.
On potential concern: your date’s disappointment when instead of a salami, you whip out your vienna sausage?
4. Man Purse
Like the ladies, we have a lot of stuff to carry (usually most of it’s theirs). I’m all for a nice unisex messenger bag. However, if you prefer something more like your wife’s handbag, check out this “men’s organizer bag” from Piel. I wonder if you can have it personalized? Maybe get “No, this is not a purse, this is a European men’s carry-all” stamped into the leather?
5. It’s like Massengill for dudes
Let me just saying one thing about NodorO, the “amazing” product that removes male genital odors: SO DO SHOWERS. That said, if showers aren’t your thing and you still want daisy fresh junk, have at it.
