1. Driving around town very slowly in a very large vehicle
When I am old I will speed around town like Evil Knievel on a vespa, and let me tell you why. For starters I will be old already and close to death, so getting into a fatal crash won’t be a real concern. Also, old people are short on time so who wants to waste it getting from point A to point B. Finally, I am going to need a vespa because they are more fun and you can park them any where. Who wants to be bothered with looking for parking when you’ve only got a few years left?

2. Sobriety
This may actually be something I don’t understand about young people. Ever notice that pot heads and people wacked out on X tend to be young? I am going to do drugs when I’m 80. Right now, I need my brain to work since I will be using it for a few more decades. By the time I get old, my brain will probably not be firing on all cylinders any way. At that point you may as well indulge in all those fun drugs people tell you not to do because they’ll make you stupid.

3. Eating Habits
They eat prunes, they eat dinner at 4pm. What is up with all of that? When I am old I won’t care about eating healthy. The only reason I care now is so that I can look my best. By the time I get old I won’t look my best, so that is the time to load up up on cheese fries and chocolate cake, especially late at night when my pot smoking munchies will be most likely to kick in.

4. Shuffleboard and Bridge
Old people seem to like pretty safe dull activities like kitting.  I say old age is the time to take up stupid, potentially life-threatening hobbies like sky diving. You don’t have all that many years ahead so if things are cut a little short, no big deal.

5. Rising at Dawn
What is with getting up so early? There isn’t a thing to do at 5am and even if there was, it is not more fun than laying around in bed, particularly with a sack of potato chips and a remote control. Most of the elderly are out of bed at sunrise and alseep by prime time. When I am old I will be snorting cocaine off of strippers until sunrise and then passed out with a hang over until well into the afternoon.

I am a full blow TV addict, I admit it. In addition to acceptable programs like 30 Days and Heroes, I watch a lot of trash. I watched Rock of Love, I watched Beauty and the Geek, I watch The Girls Next Door (usually cringing). All of this said, a line needs to be drawn. There are some things I just refuse to watch. For example, who the hell actually wants to watch a reality show about Denise Richards? For all the crap I am willing to watch, I do not need this. I also do not want to watch a show about the Lohans.

In a perfect world reality TV would mold to my true interests and there would be more My Life on the D List and less I Love New York. If I had my way the following people would have TV shows:

1. Perez Hilton
Yes, the Queen of All Media, has What Perez Says and it’s fucking awesome but it’s far too infrequent. Perez is a riot and really needs a show of his own. Please, E, get rid of Denise and give Perez a show.

2. John Waters
I could just sit and listen to John Waters talk for hours. He’s smart and and funny and talks like the college professor I wish I had. I love his ability to make lofty cultural observations about things like pubic hair. I’d be perfectly content to watch him in reality show or talk show format.

3. Samantha Bee
Sam cracks me up every time we see her on Daily Show. If only she’d stop getting pregnant every five minutes so I could be more entertained.

4. Bruce Campbell
Bruce Campbell is pretty entertaining and it’s a damn shame that he’s mostly obscure as far as the mainstream goes. Why is fucking Heidi Montag more famous than he is?

5. Mountain Lions
Okay, they aren’t actually people, but they should have a show. What’s up with all the dog love, Animal Planet? Don’t get me wrong, I like dogs, but mountain lions are pretty damn cool and I’d prefer them to say, Groomer Has It. No one wants to learn about the secret lives of dog groomers, every one wants to know more about the secret lives of mountain lions.

As a side note, can any one tell me why American Idol is so much more popular than America’s Best Dance Crew? Breakdancing in rollerskates is awesome, karaoke singing, not so much.

Tuesday nights, my girl and I go to a fitness class at the gym. I am always the only guy there, but I don’t care, those classes will kick your ass and I need the exercise. Actually, single guys would be smart to hit up aerobics classes at the gym, the ladies could be all yours. Anyway, the woman who was teaching our class has the most atrocious taste in music.

First let me paint you a picture: This woman is any where between 30 and 50, I say this because years at the tanning salon have given her skin a leathery appearance, that makes it impossible to detemine her age. This woman has obviously done time on a cheer leading squad, the pageant circuit and definitely could be some sort of stage mom, or at the very least she could be the Sparklemotion Mom. She is the kind of person who springs out of bed every day at 5am and runs 20 miles. She has a tramp stamp, bleached hair, a navel ring and 0% body fat. She usually wears a sports bra and some sort of mini skort. She is the perfect walking cliché for an aerobics instructor.

As for her taste in music, it is somewhere between American Psycho’s Patrick Bateman and a thirteen year old boy. This is to say that our workout mix included both “Radar Love” and that Evanescence song that was all over the radio not long ago. It’s not bad enough that we had to do 30 jumping jacks, followed by 30 push ups, rinse and repeat. We had to do it to the beat of “Hip To Be Square”. I felt like we should have been wearing leg warmers.

Speaking of comically bad music, I was listening to Ride on my iTunes the other day, which totally confused iTunes. Trying to be helpful, it suggested I might instead be listening to a band called Razor Ride and gave me the track listing for their hit album Nuclear Monstrosity. Choice cuts from Nuclear Monstrosity include “Infernal Devil Sex,” “Abortion Witch” and “Inject the Insect.” I wonder if Abortion Witch is a pro or anti-choice tune. It could go either way.

Death metal songs and metal bands always have amusing names. I sort of wish I liked death metal so I could join a band and make up song names. Other death metal song titles that are amazing:
1. Unleashing Devilment by Warmaster
2. I Cum Donut Filling by Spermswarm
3. Pipewrench Papsmear by Viral Load
4. Goddess Of Sodomy by Dark Funeral
5. Bukkake-Style Embalming by Amoebic Dysentery

Actually, what would be better is if I started a twee band with song names like this. I Cum Donut Filling could be twee, couldn’t it?

After graduation I am either going to get a job in a cubicle or hatch an evil scheme to take over the world. I am leaning towards the latter. To that end, I am going to need some minions, thus I’ve decided its time to advertise to help. If you’re interested in being a minion clickety-click, my friend, and apply for the job.

If you are considering master-minding an evil scheme of your own, you can get a “Now Hiring Henchman” badge for your website or Myspace here. It’s all set up to send you applications from your potential minions. Fun, huh? If you’d like to celebrate your evil in other ways check out the new Intramural Supervillain Tees.

If you’re a parent raising a little rascal whom the neighbors affectionately keep referring to as “Damian,” you may be interested in the brand new “Future Dark Overlord” T-shirts. Let’s face it, they can’t all be future doctors and future Presidents, right?

Top Ten Ways You Can Tell Your Child is a Future Dark Overlord:

1. When you ask your little one what she wants to be when she grows up, she says she wants to be just like Ann Coulter.

2. He keeps pestering you for a tank full of piranhas instead of a puppy.

3. When you ask her if she’d like to come play outside, she replies that she is too busy working on her
death ray right now.

4. Your child exhibits an unhealthy fixation with resurrecting the dead to form an army of minions to do
his bidding.

5. Her favorite television show is the O’Reilly Factor.

6. Mysterious charges on your credit card keep appearing from chemicalsbannedinmoststates.com

7. His favorite book is the Necronomicon

8. Her Christmas wish list includes such things as a rocket launcher or napalm.

9. Inordinate amount of pleather in his wardrobe.

10. She begs you to buy her a “Future Dark Overlord” t-shirt.

I’m usually torn between doing what sells for this site and doing what amuses me. I end up trying to do a bit of both. My girlfriend and marketing adviser (my girlfriend is a marketing consultant, is that weird for an artist? She sounds very corporate. Actually she works in her pajamas most of the time but sometimes she puts on these really hot looking suits… any way I digress.) has informed me that junk food t-shirts seem to be popular and she’s suggested I design some tees around that theme. People are probably looking for t-shirts with the Twizzlers logo. How boring. Plus, this isn’t helpful to me since it’s all trademarked and stuff.

So I’m going to invent my own junk food brands and make t-shirts for them. I will be like Willy Wonka with scrumdidillyumptious bars and lickable wallpaper. So I present to you my top 10 list of imaginary junk foods I am considering designing t-shirts around.

1. Candwich: It’s a candy and a sandwich. Lunch and a sugar fix in one tasty bar. Now available in chocolate bacon!

2. Glowrocks: Dazzle your friends with glowrocks, the candy that makes your mouth glow in the dark.

3. Whiskeyduds: a malted peanut butter and whiskey center with a chocolate candy shell. Candy is dandy but liquor is quicker, get you sugar and whiskey buzz all in one tasty snack.

4. Cheesefizz: The carbonated cheese flavored beverage available in cheddar, blue cheese and Gouda.

5. DinoBars: The super gigantic colossal chocolate bar with savory meat filling! When you’ve got a t-rex hunger turn to DinoBars.

6. Cheddar-Flavored Porkpoppers: A savory meal or snack available in your frozen food aisle. A trio of bacon, sausage and ham blended with a creamy cheddar filling, deep-fried and microwave ready.

7. Scrappleghetti: Too tired to make dinner? Pop open a can of Chef Girlardee’s Scrappleghetti, a savory blend of spaghetti and scrapple that makes a filling meal for the family.

8. Kakepops: Deep-fried vanilla cake on a stick. Enjoy your cake on the go!

9. Robo-Cola: A delicious space age beverage made by robots for robots made, available in original diesel flavor and plutonium! (OK so this is junk food for robots but soda is still junk food, right?)

10. Meatos: Taking pork rinds to the next level, Meatos are made with 12 different kinds of meat, dehydrated and deep fried for your snacking pleasure.

So, whaddya think? Bacon chocolate anyone?

P.S. Despite my many meat references I must confess, I’m actually a vegetarian. I just think meat is funny as a concept.

P.P.S If any Nabisco or Nestle executives are reading this and considering stealing these ideas, they are MINE and you may not steal them, however tasty you think they sound!

Welcome to the new and improved Ex-Boyfriend website! There are lots of shiny new things including this blog. If you’ve been a long time fan of Ex-Boyfriend you may be wondering what the heck happened to our old site and product line.

Once upon a time, I was designing, making, packing, and mailing everything ordered through Ex-Boyfriend. I was handling all customer service inquiries, managing all inventory, and generally drowning in stock and shipping materials. You see, I work out of a tiny studio, and in addition to running this label, I’m also a full time art student and freelance graphic designer.

The demands of this label, school, work and what personal life I had just got to be too much so I decided to turn to outsourcing. For the time being Ex-Boyfriend t-shirts, accessories, and other goodies will be manufactured and shipped through Cafepress for all retail orders. (Wholesale buyers can contact me for more wholesale-friendly pricing.) This leaves me with more time to draw pictures for you to wear and enjoy.