1. Driving around town very slowly in a very large vehicle
When I am old I will speed around town like Evil Knievel on a vespa, and let me tell you why. For starters I will be old already and close to death, so getting into a fatal crash won’t be a real concern. Also, old people are short on time so who wants to waste it getting from point A to point B. Finally, I am going to need a vespa because they are more fun and you can park them any where. Who wants to be bothered with looking for parking when you’ve only got a few years left?

2. Sobriety
This may actually be something I don’t understand about young people. Ever notice that pot heads and people wacked out on X tend to be young? I am going to do drugs when I’m 80. Right now, I need my brain to work since I will be using it for a few more decades. By the time I get old, my brain will probably not be firing on all cylinders any way. At that point you may as well indulge in all those fun drugs people tell you not to do because they’ll make you stupid.

3. Eating Habits
They eat prunes, they eat dinner at 4pm. What is up with all of that? When I am old I won’t care about eating healthy. The only reason I care now is so that I can look my best. By the time I get old I won’t look my best, so that is the time to load up up on cheese fries and chocolate cake, especially late at night when my pot smoking munchies will be most likely to kick in.

4. Shuffleboard and Bridge
Old people seem to like pretty safe dull activities like kitting.  I say old age is the time to take up stupid, potentially life-threatening hobbies like sky diving. You don’t have all that many years ahead so if things are cut a little short, no big deal.

5. Rising at Dawn
What is with getting up so early? There isn’t a thing to do at 5am and even if there was, it is not more fun than laying around in bed, particularly with a sack of potato chips and a remote control. Most of the elderly are out of bed at sunrise and alseep by prime time. When I am old I will be snorting cocaine off of strippers until sunrise and then passed out with a hang over until well into the afternoon.

Many of the adventures around my house involve dealing with my mischievous cats.  Below is Sadie, mess-maker extraordinaire.

When Sadie first moved in I swept the floor about 1,000 times a day. This is because Sadie likes to scoop each piece of food out of her dish, throw it on the floor, and then eat it off of the floor.

These days, instead of being able to slide her food onto the floor, it now lands neatly into the cereal box I put her food dish inside of. Sadie tries desperately to get her food onto the floor, but the box trapping her food has a lip, making scooping crumbs out of the box difficult at best. Finally, out of hunger and despair, Sadie has started eating out of her dish.

Score Human 1, Kitty 0.

(Cereal box, taped shut, decked out with some decoupaged magazine scraps for style, and with a large rectangle cut out on top for putting kitty dishes inside.)

I’m beyond stoked about the results of last night’s election. I have never seen the whole world happier about something like this. I have high hopes for our new President and I am so happy to see everyone else so happy. I know Obama is the really big news, but I can’t totally ignore the disappointing results of a few ballot measures in various states.

First of all, I am happy with a lot of the ballot measure results. I am happy to see progress made for marijuana and euthanasia, and I am really happy to see that even the red staters are upholding a woman’s right to reproductive freedom. Great job, fellow Americans.

Now here is the bad news, every state that gave voters a chance to be mean and hateful towards same sex couples did the wrong thing. I am especially disappointed in you, California. WTF? The good news is the haters are on the way out and eventually we will have gay marriage nation-wide. Don’t believe it? Check out the CNN exit polls for the states that had these gay marriage ban measures. The important thing to look at is what voters did by age group. Notice all the hate-free 18-29 year olds?  The 18-24 year olds are even better. So eventually the jerks in this country are going to be the minority as we march into the future. Progress always wins out eventually and this embarrassing period will be frowned on the same way we now frown on past bans on interracial marriage.

I am disappointed to see us moving so slowly on this gross inequality, but I can’t help feeling really happy about all the other giant steps we saw the country take last night.

The other day my girl said, “You know I love you, right? But if you ever became an out of control social deviant and started doing really sick things like cannibalism of voting Republican I’d have to leave you. I mean I’d try to get you help first, but if I couldn’t help you, I wouldn’t be able to stand by and let you do something like that.”

Seems reasonable…

Ex-Boyfriend is kind of a collaborative label, I want to draw silly stuff like dinosaurs double fisting 40s, my girlfriend tries to get me to draw things other people like.  As a result I’ve started a one for me, one for you approach to my designs. I do one illustration that few people are likely to find as amusing as I do, and one that everyone else is likely to appreciate more. My most recent take on this aesthetic is this guy:

It’s what I believe would happen if the cover art from Death Cab for Cutie’s Transatlanticism had a love child with the cover art from the Wye Oak Album. I know you probably don’t really see it, but that’s okay, I wasn’t trying to actually copy the cover art, just the aesthetic.

Cats are awesome, therefore I am in the process of designing more kitty themed apparel. Unfortunately, clothing featuring kitties is often the look favored by frumpy, suburban housewives. I’m working cat apparel of a different ilk. So meet the new kitties:

Fuzz Aldrin is a space kitty, exploring the depths of the cosmos with great curiosity. Fuzz has made several missions to mars, the moon and Endor (home of cute space counterparts the Ewoks).

Mr. Meowgi is a wise old ninja, taking on the bad guys with his fast flying paws of justice.

Fuzz Aldrin and Mr. Meowgi are part of a series of upcoming kitty characters to make their way onto clothing and accessories available from Ex-Boyfriend.

Speaking of kitties, apparently the Japanese are also crazy for them. Of course who can resist that sort of cute?

Crazy racist Ashley Todd thought it would be a good idea to tell people a black male Obama supporter beat her up because she supports McCain. I have to admit, this is the first election I’ve ever cared so deeply about that I’ve given up what little cash I have to support my candidate, even though I am a broke student with little cash to be had. Crazy Ashley Todd has me so disturbed by the people on the other team that it gave me a little extra push to sacrifice my Saturday (tomorrow) to go up to PA and canvass for Obama. This is despite the fact that I am working full time and going to school full time (thus I have little free time) and this is despite the fact that I am in the midst of finals. This is how much I care about this.

So thanks, psycho, for the extra push to get my ass out there and work harder at making Obama our next prez.

I am both a foodie and vain. This is a real problem. It’s kinda like being a meth head and a fitness fanatic. These two interests are at odds. As a result of my condition I am usually in one of two modes, hedonism or penance. For weeks, or even months, I’ll indulge in my foodie proclivities. I’ll eat sun-dried tomato and artichoke heart pizzas and my girlfriend’s amazing chai latte cupcakes. Then the guilt sets in, and my pants get snug, and I realize it’s time to pay for my sins.

Currently, I’m in serious diet mode. I’ve gained like 10 lbs! I don’t know how I let this happen. Well, yes I do, my girlfriend and I are both great cooks and I’ve been too busy with school and work to hit the gym. I also eat too many fucking cookies.

My girl and I are both dieting. Misery loves company. We’re trying to stick to 1200 calories per day and at least 180 minutes per week at the gym. While doing hard time, gastronomically speaking, I have only one thing on my mind and it’s junk food.

Why is it that as soon as I’m on a diet I can think of nothing but HoHos and Doritos? I don’t even like these things or eat them when I’m not dieting. Suddenly every TV commercial for awful food practically gives me a boner.  Things I am most desperate to eat right now:
1. Mac N Cheese
2. Nachos
3. Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough
4. Reeses Peanut Butter Cups
5. French Fries (with a gallon of ketchup)

At least sex doesn’t have any calories, thank goodness.

My challenge for the June-July school break (my school is on the quarter system, so come mid-July I hit the books again) is to design 30 tees in 30 days. Yes, my friends, THIRTY. That’s one new design every day. I am going to get prolific. I am also taking requests, because 30 designs is a lot to think up. So if you want me to draw a dragon riding a unicycle let me know. Actually, I kind of want to draw a dragon riding a unicycle, but I may be alone in finding that amusing. Truthfully, you probably want me to draw sparrows or something. I know that’s what the kids like these days. I might do a little of that too, even though dragons on unicycles are far more awesome.

On another note, let me tell you about my cat. The trouble with cats is that you usually name them before you get to know them, or in my case, my cat came with a name. My cat should have been called Caligula, because he has much in common with the infamous Roman Emperor.

Like Caligula, my cat thinks he is a god and demands to be worshiped. He often hops into bed while we are sleeping and tries to push us out by head butting us and shoving us with his paws, as if we are intruding on his space. For a creature incapable of speaking English, he is remarkably capable of making us aware of his wants at all times. Meowing at us in a high shrill pitch until we stop what we are doing and feed or pet him. If we refuse to acquiesce, he attempts to rip our clothing with his claws or chew my comic books.

Also, like Caligula, my cat seems to enjoy killing for amusement. I pity the unfortunate bug or mouse that wanders into kitty’s path. He’ll spend hours terrorizing it before finally crushing it under his mighty paws.

Lastly, my cat is a hedonist. When he’s not sleeping, he can usually be found rolling around trying to find the most comfortable position to lounge in. He also enjoys eating to excess, and then vomiting all over our floor. Thank goodness for our hard wood floors. I’d hate to have him in a carpeted house.

Here is a picture of the beast

I’ve been designing lots of new stuff lately — mostly because I have an “ideas” list a mile long and I am trying to get through as much as I can before I have to buckle down for finals. This is my favorite of the new creations, though:

I’ve actually only recently developed any kind of ability to be handy. I had always lived in apartments until I moved in with my girl. Now when stuff breaks, I have to fix it (or if it’s really bad, call some one else). When this first started happening, lots of frustration and tantrums ensued. But now I’ve kind of started getting the hang of it. My resume thus far includes toilet repair, garbage disposal repair, fish pond repair (Yes, we have a fish pond and it has to be repaired. Who knew? Might I suggest not living in a house with a fish pond, by the way, they are a pain in the ass.) and shower head repair. I can feel the manliness coursing through my veins!

I am also growing quite a container garden. I don’t know how manly that is, but it involves dirt and it involves free herbs for the summer, which I’m a fan of. Maybe I should design some gardening humor tees as well?