Yesterday I got on a plane to go to London and start a much needed vacation. The plan was to fly Iceland Air to Reykjavik, have a 1 hour layover, and then head to Heathrow. An hour before we were supposed to land, it was announced that we were instead being diverted to Akureyri, Iceland.

First of all, let me tell you about Akureyri, or as my wife keeps calling i,t “Atreyu” (both because it sounds a little like “Atreyu” and because the place looks like The Nothing from Neverending Story had its way with the place). Akureyri is 5 hours northeast of Reykjavik. It’s practically IN the arctic circle. I was half-expecting polar bears to greet us. It appears to have about 5 man-made structures, in addition to the airport. If you want to call it an airport; it’s about the size of a 7-11.

After de-planing in Akureyri we were subjected to a 5-1/2 hour bus ride to Reykjavik. On a bus without heat. Let me tell you right now, “Iceland” is aptly named. It’s fucking cold here. My cranky wife was simultaneously nerdy and creepy when she said she wanted to wear me like a Ton-Ton for warmth. She later decided against that, saying she might need to eat me instead since we hadn’t been fed in over 12 hours. Our sleep-deprived road trip consisted of a death-defying jaunt through a barren wasteland of snow and mountains. We saw the occasional sheep and/or pony farm every hour or so.

An hour outside of Reykjavik our frozen bus broke down. In a tunnel, while I was asleep. So I woke up in a dark cave to an Icelandic woman urging me to get off the bus. I was all “What? Huh, where are we? Are we in a cave? Are you leaving me in a CAVE?!” They wanted us to get on some other bus, without our luggage. Iceland Air people lied to us and said assured us our baggage would be delivered to a hotel and we’d get a flight to our eventual destination.

We spent the rest of our day trying to get Iceland Air to make good on the promise to give us our luggage and trying to find another flight. We also spent much of our time lamenting the fact that our toothbrushes were in said luggage and our teeth felt gross. Also feeling pissy about the hotel demanding $20 for martinis! At this point it’s almost inhumane to not have free martinis. We eventually also paid $20 to get a cab to the bus terminal to retrieve our misplaced luggage out of pure despair for toothpaste and clean undies.

We are starting to wonder if this volcano isn’t some elaborate ploy to trap travelers in Iceland and force us to spend exorbitant sums on booze to stimulate their economy. We are tentatively going to London tomorrow. This gives us only roughly 24 hours of actual vacation time in London before we have to head to Amsterdam for the next leg of vacation. All I can say is 1. Amsterdam better happen and 2. It better be epic to make up for our thus far atrocious vacation. Who needs a drink?

P.S. I don’t really hate Iceland. It’s a neat place and I totally understand that sometimes things happen beyond the airline’s control. I still don’t forgive the frozen bus/lost luggage. I mean, they aren’t flying today. Would it have been sooo hard to get a bus with heat and not separate us from our luggage? Or at the very least pay to reunite us with our luggage and buy us a few rounds at the bar? Being vegetarian, this offer of a free reindeer sausage is not make me feel better about things.