First of all, Happy St Pat’s day, guys. I hope you’re all enjoying some excellent libations today.

Let me first say that I had originally planned on blogging about cheese made of breast milk. That’s totally WTF-tastic, right? But then I got distracted by this possibly even more insane (and less gross) story:

French company, Ultime Réalité, will kidnap you for a mere 900 Euros. Yes, that’s right, you pay them to abduct you, gag you and tie you up. Additional elements such as ransom, escapes and helicopter chases can also be involved. Skydiving is so yesterday, this is clearly the way to get an adrenaline rush.

Ultime Réalité offers packages entitled “Kidnapping”, “Manhunt”, “Go-Fast Adventure” and “Extreme”. It’s open to special requests if none of these offerings uh, grab you. “Manhunt” can last 1 or 2 days with the option to play the hunter or prey. With “Go-Fast Adventure” participants take the role of a drug dealer smuggling cargo on the high seas. The “Extreme” package allows clients to wake up on an autopsy table in a morgue, surrounded by corpses and body bags. Well, I think I know what I’m getting my besties for Christmas. It’s like a gift that keeps on giving (nightmares).

via Springwise

This is:
a. an awkward family photo from the wild
b. a bear photo bombing this lion’s photo shoot
c. the most well-guarded cabin in the entire universe

Add your own captions below

Life is rough in the big bad city for homeless kitties. This sweet affectionate girl was found living beneath some stairs, filled with wooden planks, which were full of nails that she had to navigate past on her way in and out. A kind Baltimore pet blogger has given her temporary shelter, but this girl needs a forever home.

She’s been to the vet and has been spayed. She’s 12 lbs, and about 3 or 4 years old. She is litterbox trained and plays well with dogs. If you or someone you know can make room for this cutie let her foster dad know. You can email him at muttsblog@verizon.net.

Please tweet, facebook, etc. and spread the word!

This ad is most excellent because:
a. It’s eco-friendly
b. It’s punny
c. It involves Darth Vader cuddling a lamb
d. All of the above!

Via Like Cool

It’s Fuzzy Friday and thus it’s time for gratuitous cute pictures of creatures.

Image via Fork Party

Fuzz Friday also seems like a good day to release our new line of dog t-shirts. Our new model is a total cutie on her own, but she’s even cooler looking in our stylish tees.

P.S. Don’t forget to help out our fuzzy friends by ordering one of our fund raising bottle openers. 100% net profits to the Maryland SPCA now through April 17th.

About 2 weeks ago I mentioned that I am doing a special fundraiser for the MD SPCA. To help raise more cash for the critters I’ve released a new line of bottle opener keychains. Purchase one any time before April 17th and 100% of the net profits will be donated to the MD SPCA. The bottle openers will ship separately from apparel so rather than charge you guys for shipping twice, we’re just shipping bottle openers for FREE.

So please order a bottle opener. Spread the word, tell your friends, Tweet it, Facebook it, etc.  You can put one of these on your key ring, in your bar or hang onto them to give as hostess gifts or holiday stocking stuffers.

You can also make a direct donation to the MD SPCA on my March for the Animals page.

In the last 2 days I’ve received the following things in the mail:
- TWO separate letters confirming that I’ve elected to receive electronic communication from the bank
- a letter confirming that I’ve created an online account with my car insurance company
- a letter from the census bureau telling me I’m going to get a letter from them.

WTF?! Bank and insurance companies, clearly you have missed the point of my electronic communication requests so let me make this clearer. I want you to STOP SENDING ME PAPER! Just stop, no more. If you want to tell me something, email me. Got it?

Now as for you, census bureau: I don’t need you to send me a piece of paper telling me you’re going to send me more paper. How about if you just send me the paper you want me to look at and if I don’t respond then you can send me another piece of paper. Why not put in all caps “REPLY TO THIS PAPER OR WE’LL MURDER MORE TREES”? You can do it all ransom style even; have fun with it.

My wife was particularly incensed by this business with the census people. Our tax dollars could be put to better use than paying for unnecessary paper and postage. She wrote them a little note to express her wrath frustration. They responded, defending their wasteful practices, telling her that they’ve found 6-12% more people reply when they send 2 pieces of paper. This data is also 10 years old so is it really that pertinent? Here is what we don’t understand: why not try online first? Take all the addresses that reply online out of your database and then send the remaining addresses the paper you want them to fill out. When those come back, take out those addresses. Then you can re-mail the addresses you have left. Less paper, less postage. Everyone wins.

My wife pointed this approach out. Of course, she then she called them a bunch of dinosaurs and suggested they go have another egg cream and turn up their Victrola’s because by the time the next census rolls around all these problems will be eliminated thanks to robots. She’s a real people person.

I worked on some new illustrations over the weekend inspired by Alice in Wonderland (the rabbit isn’t new, he’s just Wonderland-related). Enjoy.

Add your captions for this photo below

Image via American Apparel ad

If Russian mail order brides aren’t your thing, consider Hipster Wife Hunting. It’s like Suicide Girls but with less nudity and more boring chatter about bands you’ve never heard of. Nearly everyone is from Brooklyn, of course, so you’ll probably need to relocate to date these honeys. Never mind, what am I saying? If you want to date these women you’re probably already in Brooklyn. Now just make sure you’ve got:
- ironic facial hair
- track bike
- nautical star tattoos

I think my favorite potential hipster wife is Hospital, so nicknamed because she “shuffles around like a mental patient sometimes”. She also says she has “toe thumbs”. Anyone else getting turned on? And not to be shallow or anything, but she’d definitely divorce you if she didn’t care for one of the albums in your music collection. Fair enough.

Ladies, if you’re in the market you can submit your pictures. Now all you need are some weird looking wedding photos and a wedding dress from Urban Outfitters and you’re all set.