It’s been a bad December. My girl got the flu, her car got towed, our cat died, we missed every fun holiday party our friends hosted. All of these issues kept us away from the gym and we are now not only broke due to vet bills, but we’re also feeling pretty fat and digusting due to copious alcohol consumption and lack of exercise. The other day, after trying to get back on the horse with the gym, we had to run some errands, so we stopped into Whole Foods for some water. We were feeling rather parched.
You can’t just get regular old water at Whole Foods, no sir. At Whole Foods you’re presented with a technicolor wall of water-like substances promising great things. This is water 2.0. You can have fruit water, mineral water, vitamin water, energy water, relaxation water, water that makes your manhood larger. You name it, there is some kind of water for it at Whole Foods.
We finally settled on a very sexy bottle of Eternal water, mostly because it was on sale. This was also the most water-like of the water options. First of all, you have to love the sexy product packaging, it’s shaped like a woman. Hot hot! The very name implies that drinking this stuff will make you eternal — eternally young, eternally appealing to the opposite sex.
It wasn’t enough that this water came in a curvy bottle, it proudly proclaims that it is from New Zealand and that it’s artesian water and loaded with silica. I am not sure why I should care about all these things, but apparently these are important perks when it comes to Eternal water. I’d be a damn fool to drink anything out of the tap, and Brita be damned. Go have a gander at the Eternal water website, you’ll see it’s more than a beverage, it’s an experience.
I’d love to be the guy that comes up with the marketing copy for bottled water, because I’d just make stuff up that sounds good. It’s not like anyone would check up on these things. Drink our splendid water. It’s harvested daily from Himalayan icecaps by Tibetan monks, using handthrown clay pots blessed by Buddha himself. You’d definitely want to buy my water.
The other night, as we were headed up to bed, we discovered our cat, Sadie, was crying and hiding her paw under her chest. Thinking she maybe had fallen and hurt herself, we took her to the emergency room. We expected she might need a cast and we’d wonder how the silly girl could have done this. She was always getting into mischief like this.
Sadie spent all night and the next morning at the ER. The vet told us Sadie’s lungs were full of fluid and that she might not live through the night. She asked if the cat could have been hit by a car. We said it wasn’t possible, she is strictly an indoor cat. We racked our brains trying to imagine what had occurred. Did she fall down the steps? Did she catch pneumonia? Did she inhale gas from the stove? It made no sense.
Twelve hours and $1,500.00 later, the animal hospital said they were ruling out trauma and suspected a heart problem. They suggested we transfer her to a hospital with a cardiology specialist. We drove her to the hospital with the specialist and waited all day to see him. We sat in the waiting room, we stood beside the kennel where they stored Sadie and tried to pet our disconsolate little kitty.
The specialist finally saw her, and told us she had a congenital heart condition that caused blood to trap in her heart and clot. The clots would get out into her body causing things like stroke, paralysis and heart attacks. The injured paw was paralyzed with one of these clots. He told us that sometimes, with medication, cats with this condition can live for a few more years, but it wasn’t certain how well the medication would work or how long she’d get. He told us we could leave her for observation for 24 hours to see if her condition started to improve at all with medication.
We had to try to give Sadie a fighting chance, so even more money was spent. It was more than we could afford but we loved her so dearly, we would have done anything for her. We told her “you have to get better, it’s the least you could do, we’re going to be living on Ramen forever after this.” Sadie just got worse and got more clots. So early this morning we drove back to the hospital to say good bye and put an end to her suffering. She was only three years old.
“The WHOPPER® sandwich is America’s Favorite burger. FLAME™ by BK® captures the essence of that love and gives it to you. Behold the scent of seduction, with a hint of flame-broiled meat.”
“After viewing the commercial, I knew this spray had to be mine. Once received, I engulfed my less than satisfactory body with your cow meat scent. At first, I was discouraged because the neighborhood dogs started chasing me as if they were in heat. I made it inside just in time. Soon after, my girlfriend came over. I was skeptical at first, but when she appeared from the kitchen, double fisting ketchup bottles, I knew I was golden. Her love of hamburgers had finally worked out to my advantage. It was the first time she let me put my “hamburger” in her “bun.” That night, she had it her way; I gave her the best Whopper she’s ever had, and that’s saying a lot. “
Or rather, I would want it if it could actually help me travel through time. $229.69 is a lot to spend on something that doesn’t actually allow you to time travel.
At my day job they’re always trying to push health savings accounts like it’s their job. Do they get a commission or something? It’s a good idea in theory, you put aside pre-tax earnings to pay for health related expenses. The only problem is that this plan is geared entirely to the unhealthy.
You may use your HSA for a weight loss program to treat obesity. You may not use your HSA for your gym membership dues. So if I get super fat, then I can use my pre-tax cash to slim down, but until then health club going isn’t a health related expense.
You may use your HSA for birth control pills. So my girl can enjoy blood clots, stroke or heart attack, but no using the HSA for condoms, which help us all avoid STDs.
You may use your HSA to go to the doctor to get your scurvy treated, you may not use your HSA to buy some vitamin C.
You may use your HSA for a root canal. You may not use your HSA to buy some toothpaste and toothbrush to prevent said root canal.
It’s like these rules were written with the intention of discouraging any preventative measures. I am sure it’s a mass conspiracy to get me to neglect my health and spend more with the drug companies or something.
The news, or should I say the bad news, has gotten so depressing I just can’t even watch it any more. It’s beyond depressing, it all just puts me into a big boiling rage when I do watch and I don’t want to feel mad all the time. I normally like to stay informed but this is too much.
I am over hearing about Blagojevich. I am enraged hearing about the economy. I am livid over the hypocrisy in our culture. On one hand we have free market douche nozzles going on about how important it is that we respect capitalism and let the market sort things out. Our economic policy has been near anarchy and it’s been shitty for society. Foreclosures and unemployment are not for the greater good!
On the other hand, our government isn’t so worried about freedom when it comes to smoking a joint, paying for a hand job or letting a couple of dudes say “I do”. When it comes to fun stuff like sex and drugs we’re all very concerned about what’s good for society.
Here is a thought, bring on the drugs and hos. You know people are already paying for that any way, but if we legalize it, we can tax it. Also, sex and drugs make people happy, foreclosurse and job losses make people depressed. Everyone could definitely use some sex and drugs right now, and the government could use some more cash to try to clean up this mess. Just make sure next time you guys go handing it out to giant corporations that made this fucking mess (with your help of course), you have a lot more strings attached.
I have noticed a surge in “Big in Japan” t-shirts, featuring Godzilla and sumo wrestlers. I like both of these things, but other cool monsters, like Nessie, are clearly being overlooked. So I’m presenting my own “big in” series featuring creatures large-and-in-charge from around the globe.
