I am in love. Today while cruising the web I discovered Captain Dan & The Scurvy Crew (via Indie Parade blog). They’re a highly amusing novelty hip hop crew with a pirate theme. If you’re into Paul Barman or Kool Keith or Ugly Duckling, you will find these guys delightful. Even if you’re not normally a novelty rap fan, you kind of have to admit that pirate rappers make sense. I mean pirates are the original gangstas, no? For your viewing pleasure, there are even videos!

Sadly, their Myspace indicates that they won’t be in my town any time soon so I will have to stick to interweb stalking them for now. What’s all the more disappointing is that my enthusiasm for show-going has been weak these days, and pirate rappers are obviously what I need to get back into gear. Hopefully these guys will be going on a lengthier tour in the near future.

This rocks! It’s an animal sanctuary that is no-kill and cage free. I often get down about the way animals are treated in our society and it makes me sad that so many lovable critters waste away in shelters. This video lifted my spirits.

I am both a foodie and vain. This is a real problem. It’s kinda like being a meth head and a fitness fanatic. These two interests are at odds. As a result of my condition I am usually in one of two modes, hedonism or penance. For weeks, or even months, I’ll indulge in my foodie proclivities. I’ll eat sun-dried tomato and artichoke heart pizzas and my girlfriend’s amazing chai latte cupcakes. Then the guilt sets in, and my pants get snug, and I realize it’s time to pay for my sins.

Currently, I’m in serious diet mode. I’ve gained like 10 lbs! I don’t know how I let this happen. Well, yes I do, my girlfriend and I are both great cooks and I’ve been too busy with school and work to hit the gym. I also eat too many fucking cookies.

My girl and I are both dieting. Misery loves company. We’re trying to stick to 1200 calories per day and at least 180 minutes per week at the gym. While doing hard time, gastronomically speaking, I have only one thing on my mind and it’s junk food.

Why is it that as soon as I’m on a diet I can think of nothing but HoHos and Doritos? I don’t even like these things or eat them when I’m not dieting. Suddenly every TV commercial for awful food practically gives me a boner.  Things I am most desperate to eat right now:
1. Mac N Cheese
2. Nachos
3. Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough
4. Reeses Peanut Butter Cups
5. French Fries (with a gallon of ketchup)

At least sex doesn’t have any calories, thank goodness.

I am a full blow TV addict, I admit it. In addition to acceptable programs like 30 Days and Heroes, I watch a lot of trash. I watched Rock of Love, I watched Beauty and the Geek, I watch The Girls Next Door (usually cringing). All of this said, a line needs to be drawn. There are some things I just refuse to watch. For example, who the hell actually wants to watch a reality show about Denise Richards? For all the crap I am willing to watch, I do not need this. I also do not want to watch a show about the Lohans.

In a perfect world reality TV would mold to my true interests and there would be more My Life on the D List and less I Love New York. If I had my way the following people would have TV shows:

1. Perez Hilton
Yes, the Queen of All Media, has What Perez Says and it’s fucking awesome but it’s far too infrequent. Perez is a riot and really needs a show of his own. Please, E, get rid of Denise and give Perez a show.

2. John Waters
I could just sit and listen to John Waters talk for hours. He’s smart and and funny and talks like the college professor I wish I had. I love his ability to make lofty cultural observations about things like pubic hair. I’d be perfectly content to watch him in reality show or talk show format.

3. Samantha Bee
Sam cracks me up every time we see her on Daily Show. If only she’d stop getting pregnant every five minutes so I could be more entertained.

4. Bruce Campbell
Bruce Campbell is pretty entertaining and it’s a damn shame that he’s mostly obscure as far as the mainstream goes. Why is fucking Heidi Montag more famous than he is?

5. Mountain Lions
Okay, they aren’t actually people, but they should have a show. What’s up with all the dog love, Animal Planet? Don’t get me wrong, I like dogs, but mountain lions are pretty damn cool and I’d prefer them to say, Groomer Has It. No one wants to learn about the secret lives of dog groomers, every one wants to know more about the secret lives of mountain lions.

As a side note, can any one tell me why American Idol is so much more popular than America’s Best Dance Crew? Breakdancing in rollerskates is awesome, karaoke singing, not so much.

I mentioned one of my cats in my last post, but I should have mentioned, I have two of them. My other cat, is well… dumb. I love her, and she is adorable and cuddly, but she is really about as smart as a box of hammers.

When my other cat is being bad, he knows it. He takes pride in it really. He also knows when he is going to get in trouble because he is doing something he knows damn well he should not. My other cat does things she shouldn’t do at all times, but when I catch her doing them, she doesn’t flee, fearing my wrath. She just sits there looking confused when I tell her to stop.  See the wide-eyed, stupefied look on her face in the above picture? This was the reaction we got when we told her to get off of the computer.

They say if you can’t beat em, join em. So we snapped this photo of our dumb cat in action. She is probably fucking something up on the laptop, but looking cute doing it.

My challenge for the June-July school break (my school is on the quarter system, so come mid-July I hit the books again) is to design 30 tees in 30 days. Yes, my friends, THIRTY. That’s one new design every day. I am going to get prolific. I am also taking requests, because 30 designs is a lot to think up. So if you want me to draw a dragon riding a unicycle let me know. Actually, I kind of want to draw a dragon riding a unicycle, but I may be alone in finding that amusing. Truthfully, you probably want me to draw sparrows or something. I know that’s what the kids like these days. I might do a little of that too, even though dragons on unicycles are far more awesome.

On another note, let me tell you about my cat. The trouble with cats is that you usually name them before you get to know them, or in my case, my cat came with a name. My cat should have been called Caligula, because he has much in common with the infamous Roman Emperor.

Like Caligula, my cat thinks he is a god and demands to be worshiped. He often hops into bed while we are sleeping and tries to push us out by head butting us and shoving us with his paws, as if we are intruding on his space. For a creature incapable of speaking English, he is remarkably capable of making us aware of his wants at all times. Meowing at us in a high shrill pitch until we stop what we are doing and feed or pet him. If we refuse to acquiesce, he attempts to rip our clothing with his claws or chew my comic books.

Also, like Caligula, my cat seems to enjoy killing for amusement. I pity the unfortunate bug or mouse that wanders into kitty’s path. He’ll spend hours terrorizing it before finally crushing it under his mighty paws.

Lastly, my cat is a hedonist. When he’s not sleeping, he can usually be found rolling around trying to find the most comfortable position to lounge in. He also enjoys eating to excess, and then vomiting all over our floor. Thank goodness for our hard wood floors. I’d hate to have him in a carpeted house.

Here is a picture of the beast

Tuesday nights, my girl and I go to a fitness class at the gym. I am always the only guy there, but I don’t care, those classes will kick your ass and I need the exercise. Actually, single guys would be smart to hit up aerobics classes at the gym, the ladies could be all yours. Anyway, the woman who was teaching our class has the most atrocious taste in music.

First let me paint you a picture: This woman is any where between 30 and 50, I say this because years at the tanning salon have given her skin a leathery appearance, that makes it impossible to detemine her age. This woman has obviously done time on a cheer leading squad, the pageant circuit and definitely could be some sort of stage mom, or at the very least she could be the Sparklemotion Mom. She is the kind of person who springs out of bed every day at 5am and runs 20 miles. She has a tramp stamp, bleached hair, a navel ring and 0% body fat. She usually wears a sports bra and some sort of mini skort. She is the perfect walking cliché for an aerobics instructor.

As for her taste in music, it is somewhere between American Psycho’s Patrick Bateman and a thirteen year old boy. This is to say that our workout mix included both “Radar Love” and that Evanescence song that was all over the radio not long ago. It’s not bad enough that we had to do 30 jumping jacks, followed by 30 push ups, rinse and repeat. We had to do it to the beat of “Hip To Be Square”. I felt like we should have been wearing leg warmers.

Speaking of comically bad music, I was listening to Ride on my iTunes the other day, which totally confused iTunes. Trying to be helpful, it suggested I might instead be listening to a band called Razor Ride and gave me the track listing for their hit album Nuclear Monstrosity. Choice cuts from Nuclear Monstrosity include “Infernal Devil Sex,” “Abortion Witch” and “Inject the Insect.” I wonder if Abortion Witch is a pro or anti-choice tune. It could go either way.

Death metal songs and metal bands always have amusing names. I sort of wish I liked death metal so I could join a band and make up song names. Other death metal song titles that are amazing:
1. Unleashing Devilment by Warmaster
2. I Cum Donut Filling by Spermswarm
3. Pipewrench Papsmear by Viral Load
4. Goddess Of Sodomy by Dark Funeral
5. Bukkake-Style Embalming by Amoebic Dysentery

Actually, what would be better is if I started a twee band with song names like this. I Cum Donut Filling could be twee, couldn’t it?

After graduation I am either going to get a job in a cubicle or hatch an evil scheme to take over the world. I am leaning towards the latter. To that end, I am going to need some minions, thus I’ve decided its time to advertise to help. If you’re interested in being a minion clickety-click, my friend, and apply for the job.

If you are considering master-minding an evil scheme of your own, you can get a “Now Hiring Henchman” badge for your website or Myspace here. It’s all set up to send you applications from your potential minions. Fun, huh? If you’d like to celebrate your evil in other ways check out the new Intramural Supervillain Tees.

If you’re a parent raising a little rascal whom the neighbors affectionately keep referring to as “Damian,” you may be interested in the brand new “Future Dark Overlord” T-shirts. Let’s face it, they can’t all be future doctors and future Presidents, right?

Top Ten Ways You Can Tell Your Child is a Future Dark Overlord:

1. When you ask your little one what she wants to be when she grows up, she says she wants to be just like Ann Coulter.

2. He keeps pestering you for a tank full of piranhas instead of a puppy.

3. When you ask her if she’d like to come play outside, she replies that she is too busy working on her
death ray right now.

4. Your child exhibits an unhealthy fixation with resurrecting the dead to form an army of minions to do
his bidding.

5. Her favorite television show is the O’Reilly Factor.

6. Mysterious charges on your credit card keep appearing from chemicalsbannedinmoststates.com

7. His favorite book is the Necronomicon

8. Her Christmas wish list includes such things as a rocket launcher or napalm.

9. Inordinate amount of pleather in his wardrobe.

10. She begs you to buy her a “Future Dark Overlord” t-shirt.

I’ve been designing lots of new stuff lately — mostly because I have an “ideas” list a mile long and I am trying to get through as much as I can before I have to buckle down for finals. This is my favorite of the new creations, though:

I’ve actually only recently developed any kind of ability to be handy. I had always lived in apartments until I moved in with my girl. Now when stuff breaks, I have to fix it (or if it’s really bad, call some one else). When this first started happening, lots of frustration and tantrums ensued. But now I’ve kind of started getting the hang of it. My resume thus far includes toilet repair, garbage disposal repair, fish pond repair (Yes, we have a fish pond and it has to be repaired. Who knew? Might I suggest not living in a house with a fish pond, by the way, they are a pain in the ass.) and shower head repair. I can feel the manliness coursing through my veins!

I am also growing quite a container garden. I don’t know how manly that is, but it involves dirt and it involves free herbs for the summer, which I’m a fan of. Maybe I should design some gardening humor tees as well?

I’m usually torn between doing what sells for this site and doing what amuses me. I end up trying to do a bit of both. My girlfriend and marketing adviser (my girlfriend is a marketing consultant, is that weird for an artist? She sounds very corporate. Actually she works in her pajamas most of the time but sometimes she puts on these really hot looking suits… any way I digress.) has informed me that junk food t-shirts seem to be popular and she’s suggested I design some tees around that theme. People are probably looking for t-shirts with the Twizzlers logo. How boring. Plus, this isn’t helpful to me since it’s all trademarked and stuff.

So I’m going to invent my own junk food brands and make t-shirts for them. I will be like Willy Wonka with scrumdidillyumptious bars and lickable wallpaper. So I present to you my top 10 list of imaginary junk foods I am considering designing t-shirts around.

1. Candwich: It’s a candy and a sandwich. Lunch and a sugar fix in one tasty bar. Now available in chocolate bacon!

2. Glowrocks: Dazzle your friends with glowrocks, the candy that makes your mouth glow in the dark.

3. Whiskeyduds: a malted peanut butter and whiskey center with a chocolate candy shell. Candy is dandy but liquor is quicker, get you sugar and whiskey buzz all in one tasty snack.

4. Cheesefizz: The carbonated cheese flavored beverage available in cheddar, blue cheese and Gouda.

5. DinoBars: The super gigantic colossal chocolate bar with savory meat filling! When you’ve got a t-rex hunger turn to DinoBars.

6. Cheddar-Flavored Porkpoppers: A savory meal or snack available in your frozen food aisle. A trio of bacon, sausage and ham blended with a creamy cheddar filling, deep-fried and microwave ready.

7. Scrappleghetti: Too tired to make dinner? Pop open a can of Chef Girlardee’s Scrappleghetti, a savory blend of spaghetti and scrapple that makes a filling meal for the family.

8. Kakepops: Deep-fried vanilla cake on a stick. Enjoy your cake on the go!

9. Robo-Cola: A delicious space age beverage made by robots for robots made, available in original diesel flavor and plutonium! (OK so this is junk food for robots but soda is still junk food, right?)

10. Meatos: Taking pork rinds to the next level, Meatos are made with 12 different kinds of meat, dehydrated and deep fried for your snacking pleasure.

So, whaddya think? Bacon chocolate anyone?

P.S. Despite my many meat references I must confess, I’m actually a vegetarian. I just think meat is funny as a concept.

P.P.S If any Nabisco or Nestle executives are reading this and considering stealing these ideas, they are MINE and you may not steal them, however tasty you think they sound!